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Saturday, July 30, 2005

DONE 

The photos section of the CMS site is FINISHED!!! YAY!!!

I am now working on the "secret" pages.

Hmmmm... maybe I should bake that cake now for tomorrow so that all i have to make tomorrow is the whipping cream. Hmmm... but it is almost midnight... EHN! I am still awake and will be busy working more on the website... why not.

Oh... time tally on the website: 50hrs of work on this just in the last 7 days... um... 8 days. My butt is sore. My back is sore. My neck is sore. But damn the site looks good!!! *proud as all hell*

Counting down 

I have several things to count down to...

ONE day till a girls evening full of nachos, cake and whipped cream AND Firefly.

ELEVEN days till the coven drives down for a camping weekend.

21 days till CMS graduation *and I swell with pride at the forthcoming graduates*.

27 days till CMS Open House *and I glow with joy at seeing old and new faces*

32 days till I run away through Ohio to visit friends and into Tenessee to hopefully see Mike.

62 days till the movie SERENITY is released in theatres.
Trailer #1: http://www.apple.com/trailers/universal/serenity/
Trailer #2: http://www.apple.com/trailers/universal/serenity/trailer_2/large.html

Oh... just finished my Mercedes Lackey book AWESOME! And now going to start the Harry Potter book.

No Going Back now 

I wrote and left for the vet my resignation letter today. There is no going back now. As of September 1st... I am FREE of the vet clinic!!! I work this weekend and next, then away the 3rd weekend, then work 2 weekends... then never again!

Now if only the things that had so neatly fallen into place early June would just return to their places so I can get back to a smoothe emotional state again... it would be real nice!

Choices
Promises

And the whispers of the divine...

Friday, July 29, 2005

OH! Forgot to Mention... 

I now have a lovely balcony! I tossed the crap off it and kept just a few flower pots and toughs. I set down a wicker mat i got from Chinatown with one end under the new chair (which rocks a little and is comfey... and so far not any further chewed... guess the cayenne is working *thanks Ash*) and a large flat rock holding the other end. I took an old blue storage box that was empty and wasting space in the hall and turned it over with a lovely green sarong over it (tuncked under the edges so as not to blow away). It is wonderful to just sit and read out there. ANd a couple trees died (need to be removed now) and so there is dappling sun hitting the balcony. Maybe I will go get a little bit of fresh earth and some plants for the pots and troughs since that will actually get sun now!

I also got a birthday gift from Airea. A sweet-smelling bouquet of flowers. I love flowers. Almost no one ever bothers to get me any... hell... I hardly bother to get them for myself. These were great! They grace my kitchen. Thank you Airea! OH! And the card is hilarious!!!

Website Progress 

Ok... I am essentially DONE! As much as I can be.

1- need stuff from new and old teachers for the teachers page
2- need two course descriptions for level 4 (emailing Autumn now)
3- waiting for photos from Airea from the CMS Awakening Isis Festival to add to the photos page of the site (otherwise it is finished. go see go see!! www.mtl-magicalcircle.ca/crescentmoon/11_photos.html)

What is left... the SECRET pages! Weehee! These will be pages with no public links. These will be accessible by only teachers and students and the secret link will be given directly to them... and changed every semester. I have a fun project now for the weekend. To understand a little of what I am talking about... go see the new Students Page of the CMS website http://www.mtl-magicalcircle.ca/crescentmoon/08_students.html

Saturday:
- work at vet
- write resignation letter to vet (WEEHEE!!)
- work on secret pages for CMS website (WEEHEE!!)

Sunday:
- prepare printed material for CMS and give to Robyn
- bake something yummy
- Firefly marathon with potluck dinner and dessert at Robyn's with Airea (SQUEEE!!!)

Monday:
- Concordia Financial Aid to sort out mess
- finish secret pages for CMS website
- prep stuff for CMS teachers meeting and for Airea to handle the emails (THANK YOU!!!!!)
- clean the apartment
- outline a SWG narrative (and stop neglecting the damned manuscript!)

Tuesday:
- work at store
- CMS teachers meeting

Wednesday:
- doctor's appointment
- work at store
- i thot i had something planned (if I do and you know with who... LET ME KNOW!)

Thursday:
- dunno... too far ahead at the moment

*Grumble* 

I tried to nap. I tried to forget the pain and anxiety. Stupid phone rang off the hook all morning. Or big sudden noises happened outside. I jumps out of my skin at every single one. My nerves are freyed. I need to get away. FAR AWAY!

Labour Day is the soonest I can take a personal roadtrip by myself.
Labour Day seems so far away... 40 days. Can I survive?

I will nibble something and then work hard on my CMS stuff. Read my books when I need a break. Cram my hrs full of distractions.

Saturn... grrrr.....

Going Mad... 

Well, WW is moved by 2am. I now ache something unfathomable in my hip and knee from the long walk to and this morning from U-Haul. My mind was going nutzoids all night and I had to be up crazy early to return the truck. Now... i am sick all over again. I think my body, mind and spirit have past their breaking point and I am seriously burning out.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

CMS workings! 

All the print and website are now consistant with the course names and codes. Gods! Jumping through 2 x 4 site pages and 3 docs was quite a headache and very time consuming. But it is done! I will print pamphlets tomorrow and drip them off at the store.

On top of that... I made a few little modifications in the Teachers page... good luck noticing! If you haven't been there in a while, then you will be surprised to see all the new additions to the staff! Welcome to all the new teachers! See you all Tuesday at my place at 7pm for the teachers meeting.

AND... and I got lots done on the Photos page. Still lots to go. I tried to not put any pictures of people directly save for one (which I may still remove). This page is kinda like our yearbook. it too is a bit time consuming to cross link everything correctly. I hope to have it finished by the end of tomorrow. Maybe the end of Saturday with some work on the Students Page.

The students page, I want to have it finished by Tuesday morning. That way I can had a list in my head of what I want who to do and by when. Mostly... I want people (students and teachers) to go sheck out the site and see what they like, dislike, and what doesn't work or needs fixing. AND I need bios and pictures for the teachers. It is really coming along.

OH... Vet messed up my pay arrangement. I knew this was going to be a headache. I had to log the hours in the bank. Dammit. Well... that is good in a way. It means I can deduct that from what I owe him. Will do that next week. Funny how $200 seems to be a key number in my life. It is what I owe a variety of institutions, including the vet. Well after next week... I will owe him $150. This pay mess-up messes up my car payment. *grumble*

Well... looking at the positive... I got lots done on the CMS site this week. And the print stuff prepped. Need to finish the site, print the print stuff and prep advertizing.

OH! And I have to write my resignation letter to the vet clinic. I just cannot work full time at the store, teach with CMS, run CMS, study a MA at concordia AND work at the vet. Something has to go. The vet is it... as it is interfering with my sanity the most right now and pays me the least (excluding CMS... which I do for the love of it).

Stuff and News 

A few days ago, my fat-tailed gecko passed on. *blessings on his journey* He was old! They live 5-8 years, I got him when he was 2-4 yrs old and had him for 4 years... so he lived a good long life. The remaining gecko is the leopard gecko that is actually my niece's, named Spot. She is doing well (though hungry, must buy crickets today or tomorrow for her). She is 4 years old and quite the huntress. I was just watching her stalk the cats!

I have made some more updates to the Teachers Page on the CMS site and started adding things to the Photos Page too!

I went outside to set up a reading space with the new chair and a wicker mat. OMGs! Some critter chewed on my chair!!! MY NEW CHAIR!!! I am SO leaving a note for the janitor to do something about those trees. to think that squirrels AND raccoons are on my front balcony destrying things because they can get there with the trees... is NOT COOL! I don't want me or my cats bitten when we try to sit out there.

Going to go eat and read now. Then back to the grind of CMS work. I have been working on the site for 3 hrs now. Hungry!!!! When I get back, I need to make the levels consistent with the print material and prep pamphlets and registration forms. Lots to do today.

EAT
YELL AT JANITOR
WORK ON CMS
MOVE WW

Oh... heehee... I plan on getting Airea hooked on another TV series, Dark Angel. I am bringing it over to her place to watch after the moving. We will continue Firefly on Sunday at Roo's as a girl's day! YAY!

Fire Drill 

Well, I couldn't sleep. Tossing and turning and just as I began to drift... the fire alarm goes off in the building. First thing I do is check my energy shields and read them. No fire immediately close to my apartment. The cats were all calm till the noise of the bell stressed them... but they were not smoke stressing. Trust a cat. I pulled on clothes and sneakers and stepped into the hall. No flames, smoke, nor smell... I stepped out side because the noise was too much for even me. Met a few folks from the building, some who hauled their pets out in timely and orderly fashion. No janitor though. After 5 min... no fire trucks either. So I went to the next building and woke up the janitor's wife. George from George's Souvlaki came over to see what was going on and if he could help. He was good company while the Janitor's wife came to assess if there was a fire. He is sorta retiring from running the George's Souvlaki restaurants and put in his application to run for city counselor. Neat. The restaurants won't close. Just he won't be in them much himself. In the end... no fire. The janitor's wife got the alarm turned off. We all came back in. Well, that was an exciting 20min. And I could tell right away who in the building would be fine and who would be burnt dead. Don't remotely know what set this alarm off. Last few times it was students partying and thinking it would be fun to pull the alarm. This time... everyone was asleep practically.

That is what I plan on trying to do now... is sleep. Night all!

Two More Things 

1- THANK YOU!!! I received a copy of Harry Potter book 6 by OWL delivery at the store today!

2- THANK YOU Rick for good food and company.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Odd but ok Day 

Well, stupid monthly. Work was good mostly. Till I walked to the pharmacy to get advil, forgot my bank card and walked back to the store to repeat the journey for the desperately needed advil. Though I was going to die when I got back. Extra strength Advil worked ok after though.

Was fed good chicken pot pie at my Friend Rick's as we immersed ourselves in Firefly episodes. You would think I would get tired of seeing it. Nope. It ranks up there with Star Wars as far as I am concerned.

Still feel a bit cramped, but not as bad as this morning. And obviously did not get anything I needed to do done. So guess what tomorrow is...

- laundry!!!!! (first thing in the morning after WW wakes me to give me money to pick up his moving van)
- then edit and print CMS pamphlets and registration forms
- try to get to Academic Advising to sort out that mess
- then tidying and errands (like Bank and get toilet paper and crickets)
- get moving van
- help move WW to Airea's
- look over my finances and try not to cry (lots of people want lots of money by the 15th of August... and I only start full-time hours that day)
- then work on the CMS site more and try to write my narratives in ch. 3 (as opposed to just stare at them which is what I have done for the past 3 days)

Someone said I might be suffering burnout. Hmmm... Don't know if I am. I have a doctor appointment August 3rd. Going to find out then. Well, I am going to a GP for a "full medical" which I have not had since 1996.

Today I also found out that Saturn moved into the sign of Leo for the coming year... the very day Mike last spoke to me. And the very day my life started to seriously go badly. Wow... almost to the hour! Scary. I wonder what that means. So I have a Saturn year ahead of me. Here is what I found...

http://www.astroprofile.com/2005sunLeo.htm

http://www.astrologycom.com/saturn2005.html

http://north-node.com/articles/saturn-in-leo

*sign* What is it about Saturn.... I had my Saturn return a few years ago. Had to make some big life changes and survived. Then earlier this year it transited my North Node and chaos ensued... that settled down in May... and now... there it is again in my birthsing for the next couple years. What is the lesson..... Patience... trust... *sigh* shoot me now.

Only 2 Days 

I got only 2 days of feeling ok. What am I sick with now? Monthly. THE monthly. I am cramped and ill. This is a rotten summer.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Muwahahahaha! 

Evil me... getting everyone addicted to Firefly. First was of course Autumn lending it to me and M-SB. We watched it. I am SO addicted (as much as I am to Dark Angel). Since I have watched it... too many times to count (must get my own copy!!). I have subjected my students to it as background "noise" while working on crafts in Level 2 (well... some begged for it so I cannot claim full responsibility for that). I got a few friends addicted too... hehe.

Evil me....

Opting Out 

Well... I opted out of going to the gym this evening. I have not been doing much of the gym the last month or 3. Mostly because I have been crazy busy, crazy stressed, crazy sore or crazy sick. Today being the first day not truly ill and having seriously lost a fight with my big desk... I decided it wise to NOT try working out. Ya... me and my desk had a spatial relations argument and physical fight. I lost. I was wounded. The corner embedded itself deep into my bad hip, past muscle, tendos and right to the bone. There is a tiny now dime-sized bruise... but the pain is... bad. Tiny but DEEP bruise. I bet this will hurt for a LONG time. It has been already 3 days. I figured it would be gone by now... but it hurts as much now as it did day one. *sigh*

So... I am home, waiting for WW to call me to help transport the pets from one location to another.

I will work more on the website. I picked up a bunch of business cards from the store today and will update the links pages. Yes... I am dodging the tough pages. I am scared to futz with the coding. Kira had done such an amazing job... and used such good professional and COMPLEX coding... I am truly afraid I might F it up. So... I will dodge it a bit. I also have to start matching the site info to the pamphlet and advertizing and get a move on that. I need to bring in fresh pamphlets and registration forms to the store tomorrow. I should also contact the email inquiries too. Oh... and I have this lovely advertizing stand at the store... that DIRELY needs to see a change!

OH!!! Roo lent me Harry Potter! YAY! Now I have TWO great books to read!! And I get to use my new balcony chair till it gets too dark (or I can just bring out a flashlight or hook up the clip lamp). Well... I have CMS work to do first....

More Updates 

CMS website got an updated Registration page, Links page and Contact Us page. There goes all the easy editing and updating.

And oh... I woke today practically not nauseous and with the slightest of fevers and feel pretty good at the moment. Guess I am on the mend at last.

Tasks today:
- Work at the store
- Gym
- Help WW move his pets to Airea's
- Tackle the Photos page on the CMS website
- Write the narrative in ch. 3 of the meeting od Scar'let & Jakob

I should have lunch and dinner in there somewhere, a shower too... and do laundry (oh THAT is a nust tonight!). And end the night reading Exile's Valor by Mercedes Lackey.

Monday, July 25, 2005

Website status 

Slowly progressing. I have completed to the best of my ability the Level 4 program description. I just need to tag an owl for 2 blurbs for courses she taught that I am drawing complete blanks on. I am now working on the specialty programs list. I am working my way down the buttons for their pages.

Main Home page: www.mtl-magicalcircle.ca DONE

This blog: always up to date, though will need a link edit (will do that later tonight)

Scarlet's Portfolio pages: http://www.mtl-magicalcircle.ca/folio/index.htm will remain under construction as it is real low on the priority scale at the moment.

Memorials pages: http://www.mtl-magicalcircle.ca/memorial/index.htm DONE

Star Wars Galaxies pages: http://www.mtl-magicalcircle.ca/SWG/index.html relatively up to date, but as it too is low on the priority, it will remain under construction for a bit. The bios are yet to be written with added pictures, the photos page will need updating (and recoding if I ever figure out how), the link page needs to be created, and I am currently slowly working on chapter 3 of the story

Crescent Moon School pages: http://www.mtl-magicalcircle.ca/SWG/index.html
Main page: DONE (would like to get a paypal account and announce it, but that is for September
About Us page: DONE
Level 1 page: DONE
Level 2 page: DONE
Level 3 page: DONE
Level 4 page: DONE (except for 2 blurbs)
Specialized page: DONE
Teachers page: Needs info and updates from other teachers, otherwise DONE for my part

The other buttons and their pages are on the TO DO list this week. I want the site updated before the teachers meeting August 2nd.

birthday gifts 

Other than the pizza from Robyn... which was my craving yesterday, M-SB took me to Ikea today and we ate Swedish meetballs...mmmm... And He got me a little balcony chair. Now all I need is a book to read out on the balcony.

Back to my writing and site updating now.

PS... Know what the best gifts I got for my birthdaywere?
All my friends contacting me and wishing me happy birthday.
:)

Morning... sorta 

I woke... less ill today than I have been for a while. If you were working magic for me... THANK YOU!

I got tagged on MSN today by someone I have not seen in YEARS who has since moved to Nova Scotia. Guess what he has been doing? READING MY SWG STORY!!!! EEEEEKKK!! He tagged me to see when chapter 3 was coming out. EEEEEEKKKK!!!!!!! Ok... just people know, I am really really please people are reading it and liking it... but... it still FREAKS ME OUT that people are reading my stuff and liking it. I don't even know how he found the site!

Well today I am tackling the CMS updates again. This time working on the Level 4 page. Eek... it is way out of date. The course names and numbers are all wrong. (fixed that) And there are no course descriptions or info at the end for requirements. (working on that now) I hope to be done this sometime today.

awake 

ya... 2am and I am awake. Maybe because I rested all day. Maybe because I ate too much pizza. Maybe becasue my aches and pains hurt. Maybe because I woke from a nightmare. Maybe because my feet are hot. I can never sleep if my feet are hot.

Anyways... I am tired... but awake. I think I will go drink some juice.

juice good

I will turn a fan on low... maybe that will help with the hot feet.

All the cats are flopped on my bed lazily. Snoozy me.... night night....

Sunday, July 24, 2005

In other news today... 

I have a great start to chapter 3 of SWG thanks to Max. The intro is fun foreshadowing for other parts in my book and will be used in his as a starting point. Weehee! What a great way to tie the two together.

I also did a chunk of editing on the CMS website. Subtle stuff at the moment. The main page, the About Us page, the Levels 1-3 pages. I still have lots to do... but it is coming. I want it finished before the teacher's meeting so that all that is left is what I need from other teachers.

As a reminder...
1- if you are a student hoping to graduate, please try to get your stuff to me by July 30th or make contact with me ASAP.

2- if you have borrowed something from me, please return it by the 30th as well so i can get to sorting and setting things up here in my place and taking stock of books and movies. Some of my things have been borrowed for WAY too long and are quite outstanding.

My Birthday (will be edited throughout the day) 

Yesterday Rick wish me a happy birthday and said he'd call and wish it again sometime today. And my roleplaying friend, Max wished me a happy birthday at 11:15pm last night.

If you try to call me today and I do not answer my home phone, call the cell at:
514-799-9412

Woke... as usual... sick. But sick in a slightly different way. More fever and nausea than before and a bit less of everything else. Might go to the clinic today, more likely tomorrow when the nice doc I like is there.

The first person to wish me a happy birthday at 9:45am was Hobbes *smile* thanks.

10:38am Mom wished me happy birthday via MSN.

12:15pm Roo called to wish me happy birthday and invite me out later for dinner or a movie. AND WOOHOO! She will lend me the Harry Potter book to read.

Now if only I can stop feeling ill long enough to do something. The worst seems to have kinda passed. Now I just have a fever and mild nausea. It feels like some wierd evil flu that decides to take 3 weeks to build up. *sigh*

12:40pm Airea and WW called. Yay!

I am still sick feeling in bed. *pout* Got a can of Boost (yesterday picked up a boc of them just in case). and M-SB wished me happy birthday as I claimed one can and a super Advil pill for my fever. When I am feeling better, we will go out to Ikea for my birthday. Weehee! Now... GO AWAY STUPID SICKY FEELINGS!

2:00pm Rick called acouple times to see how I was and wish me a happy birthday.

This is so far not too bad a birthday, save for being sick and not getting to visit Mike.

3:15pm Finally. I feel a bit more like I can move about without losing my innards in some fashion.

Ate a small bit of yesterday's stirfry left-overs... mmmmm... Honey ginger chicken. That was definately one of my better and successful experiments. I don't even know where the idea came from. But it was there, clear in my head what ingredients I needed. And yum yum. Now I am working on two things. Yes... multitasking... before i get too tired. Being sick is exhausting. Not eating is also exhausting. I am working on updating my website (task #1) and I am writing chapter 3 of my SWG story (task #2). I need to step outside for sunshine and rejuvenate a bit. Maybe I will walk down to return my movie. Hmmm... ya. I will ask if M-SB will join me. Who am I kidding! I have been sick for the past 8 hrs. Am I an idiot?! Walk 6 block to drop off a movie?! I will go sit on the balcony a bit instead.

4:30pm I sat on the balcony int eh dappled sunlight as it filtered through the leaves and branches of the trees that normally hide it from ever touching my dull oasis. A spider had an exquisite silver shining web in the tree. The sun shone and glinted. The leaves rustled. I went and got my digital camera for a few shots. It has now become quite a quiet day. I am tired. Maybe I will nap while I think about the next things to update and the next things to narrate.

6:30pm A quiet nap of two hours. Roo called in the middle to see if I was feeling well enough to go out for my birthday. Now that I have napped a bit. Yes. I think so... though not really out. Firefly watching with a friend and pizza (to satisfy a craving). Having been really unwell all day, I am skittish about being away from home just yet. But a chill time in-home with a good series and yummy food... I am up for that. And of course Roo's company. *grin* It is nice to have freinds around and actually over at the house for a change. Now to go check to see that things are not gross in the house. Oh... and to light incence in the livingroom. Hmmm... nag champa.

Rick had asked me... what I wanted to do for my birthday. I cannot do what I really want. But... negating that desire, I do want to sit with friends sharing time and pizza and discussing movies and stuff. I really miss the friends doing stuff together thing. Thanks Roo for coming over! And thanks to Rick who had me over for an escape on Friday and who came over yesterday.

10:20pm Roo came over and bought me pizza and we watched the pilot of Firefly. She had never seen it. It was great to sit with her and just relax. When I came back to my computer after she departed for sleep before she works tomorrow, I discovered some fine emails. My Nanny emailed me a BIG HUG, Autumn and Nathalie M. emailed be good wishes.

I want to thank everyone for thinking of me and wishing me happy birthday. It really means alot to me that you have done so. Alot. Thank you.

The last notes on today's day:
The bad/sad... Mike never called. I ate way too much pizza and will definately regret it.
The good/decent... The weather has been fantastic, not too hot nor cold, just the right sunniness with a nice breeze and no icky nasty humudity.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

The good, the bad and the really annoying 

The good:
I received my acceptance to Concordia's MA Religion program!
I made my application for loans & bursaries (just need to mail a paper off).

The bad:
Loans & bursaries has my application under suspension because they had made a mistake a year ago on my bursary and I have not made arrangements to pay it back.

The really annoying:
I was super ill today and still went to work at the vet clinic. Came home still ill and woozy. I am really fed up with this sick thing.

Smiled Today 

Well the morning was the usual feeling ill and crappy till noon. And for the record... I am NOT pregnant. One has to have had sex to become pregnant. I got to connect with people later today. (um... yesterday?)

I picked up my car from Dad. Ahhh... my car... back with me again... $290 later.

I met an old friend, Andy from college. We chatted an hour in Secone Cup just catching up on each other's lives. It was nice.

Then off to my friend Rick's place for a FireFly marathon (no... didn't finish it all) and talking about Star Wars and Star Wars Galaxies. It was fun! I haven't had THAT (fun) in a while. I think I will invite him over on Sunday to play SWG with me a bit... well... sorta. To explore the environment and the game a little. and chat about roleplaying. A relaxing day. Rick is reading my SWG novel. Wierd. I am feeling all wierded out that a "friend" (not someone in the storyline) is actually READING it! In some ways it makes me feel all self-conscious. In other ways... I am excited all over and want to work on it some.

It is now late... or uh... early. I am tired. Tomorrow I work at the vet. And I will work on my website in the afternoon.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

today... ok... 

Today went kinda ok. Rough morning. I was sick. Grumble. Read lots. Worked on my website. Interviewed a guy for MPRC... he is real cool. Sorta have a new schedule for the store work hours. I will know it better on Monday. And taught a good class.

I am now starting to be happy about my acceptance to Concordia and made my online application for Loans & Bursaries. *crosses fingers* I have to mail them a document. And I have to arrange with the school for when I can register for class. This is all kinda new. I know undergrad stuff inside out and backwards. But the is Graduate studies. It is all different and new. Weehee.

Now to go watch a movie: Constantine

DOH! 

Damn... too late. Not ganna make it to my parents' in time. Guess I go tomorrow. Guess I will work on the links page for the website now.

So far... 

Well... I am feeling better. Mornings seems to be the worst for me. I am doing better for those who I know are worrying.

I sent off my email to confirm my accpetance into the Graduate program.
I relaxed (in between being really sick for unknown reasons) and read a book.
I chatted with friends, trying to coordinate job interviews and scheduling and stuffs.
I made some edits to my main webpage which now has a memorial section.

www.mtl-magicalcircle.ca

I have a long way to go with it. But I will busy myself as a good constructive distraction. Next page project for the site is the LINKS page from the home page. My personal portfolio is LAST last last on the priority list for the website.

Now to grab a quick shower and head out to my parents' to get my car. I hope to visit Mike in Tennessee over Labour Day. We will see when he calls me next.

Then I interview a guy for the MPRC and teach the second Tarot II class.

News 

I am accepted into the Masters Program at Concordia: History & Philosophy of Religion
Full time studies
Starting September 2005

Part of me wants to be excited and happy... but I am just burnt and not excited at all... almost dreading the work.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

What I am doing now to distract me 

Work.

I am currently going through my website and listing everything that needs doing. My foci are the main www.mtl-magicalcircle.ca site and the CMSLC site. There is alot to do. Some I might do tomorrow to distract myself. Back to the work force and multitasking.

30min. later... done the list...

I would like to get back to writing my SWG story too. One day.

The day... as it was 

Started out bad. Emotional. "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" is a good song right now. I ranted and raved and was upset about 100 things I could do nothing about. Makes me want to be mad and scream and blame someone... but there is no one to blame... not even myself.... just life is like that sometimes. I told my friend in Tennessee that "life does not seem to favor me this incarnation"... told him this some time ago. Today another friend reminded me that I am strong and that he believes in me as do several others. I don't know why... but I just broke down and cried. Actually... I do know why. I no longer believe in myself. It is so very hard to have faith and trust. The rug was pulled. The bottom fell out of the world. I am exhausted. I am burnt. I cannot take it anymore.

Then I got dumped on unfairly. Blamed for something not nearly my fault... but it is easier to dump on me than the actual person. I yelled. I cursed. I banned the answering of that number. Sorry Mom... think again before speaking to me. I am one small peanut in the giant barrel of my sister's chaos that you are forced to deal with. Please do not hold me to blame. It made me angry. So angry that the anger filled me past the sadness I was feeling earlier. Allowed me to wrap a firm shield around my heart and block everything out.

Work at the store was strange. Yesterday was SPECIAL in the "short bus" kind of way. Today it was INTERESTING in the Chinese curse sort of way. I counselled a friend as best I could through her losses... and never want to be in that place nor lose sight of me so badly. But I feel that pain... it is like my own pain. We just deal in different ways. And sometimes... we stop dealing... and even that manifests in different ways. I try to pretend nothing is wrong and play at life being normal. Refortify my walls.

Met Airea and friends, even an old friend, Rick, for a movie we all had free passes to see. The Island was decent. I was calming down and my walls started to shake a little. The mildly romantic scenes kinda started to freak me out. Rick showed some kindness... and that freaked me out too. I pulled in tight and refortified and had to lock myself in silence. Gods... How long till I get home before I crack? Before I break?

I drove home. With the music too loud to hear my own thoughts.

I am so tired.
And I am trying so very hard not to drop all the balls I need to be juggling.
Gods... I am so tired.
There are no birthday wishes. Dreams are only illusions.

Tomorrow I go to my parents to exchange cars and get my fixed car back. $290 has to be given to my Daddy. I will wrap a fine mask on me and fool even my mother. Let us hope she does not push me to be mad again. Then I pick up another ball to juggle... but only for an hour. Interview a new MPRC volunteer. And then wear that false mask again and teach a class.

I wonder how I will wake tomorrow. I hope it won't be from the same dreams that woke me this morning at 5am. I am tired of being an emotional wreck. Attitude is choice. But sometimes... damn that is so very hard.

WARNING 

This is to the NEXT person who has bad news for me or is going to say/do something that will piss me off...

I WILL kill the messenger.
I WILL seriously HURT this next person.

Consider yourself warned.

Today 

Today...
Focus on today. Each day. Focus on the "now".

Today...
I will eat breakfast. (thank you Mark for making it for me)
I will wish my Daddy a Happy Birthday.
I will work at the store and clean the classroom.
I will go watch a movie with Airea. (thanks MM for the passes)
I will look over my website and list what it needs for updating.
I will read a book I have not read till I fall asleep.
I will pretend my birthday already passed... months ago... to keep from dreading its arrival.
I will pretend my life is good and normal. (if I pretend long enough... maybe it will become true)

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Sigh 

Well... that is it. Finances have now officially been allocated to fixing the muffler. My trip to Tennessee is officially cancelled.

Now to rethink my life.

If Mike has not deployed by Labour Day weekend, then I will try to go down then... and visit friends along the way there and back.

Being Bold 

An owl noted on her blog that "Metropolitan Museum of Art in NY is looking for a full-time assistant editor for its publishing branch"... and so... what have I done? I took the last 20min to rework CV and write a cover letter and huzzah! I emailed off an application.

Well... it was more constructive than going out tomorrow and chopping off more hair.

Welcome to Scarlet's Birthday 

The best laid plans and all that shit...

Well. I am NOT going to Tennessee to see Mike. Too much on the personal level of that to discuss here... but the gods have made certain that I cannot go. My car needs a $250 muffler repair or it does not cross the US border.

Well, if Mike does not deploy till September as he mentioned will likely be the case, I might go Labour Day weekend.

So much for seeing him for my birthday. Why did I ever think something good would happen on my birthday? Why did I even bother to hope? Fucking day. Fucking week.

No. I am not in a good mood.

Delays and frustration 

Mike will be away on a training mission and helping pack people for deployment this weekend and so will not be home. No. He is not deploying yet... it is another team. So... I might not get there till Sunday night. And I can't stay at his place with other military ppl temperarily housed in his livingroom. I tried motels... too expensive and all full. So... I called a campground. They said I could plunk my car on a camp space and sleep there for $20USD per day. Now to figure out timing for going down... and the funds to fit in this extra expense. grrr.

Sucky f-ing birthday.
Shoot me now.

And might not even get to go down to see him. ARGH!

Monday, July 18, 2005

Done & Melting 

All CMS classes are finished and done till graduation. Good luck to all the students to getting their work done and in in time for graduation.

This humidity is not scheduled to break anytime soon. We are all melting. Please be careful about heat stroke and dehydration. Drink lots of water and try to get into slightly cooler temperatures when possible. Also becareful about very cold a/c locations... you could shock your system with the drastic temp. changes and make yourself sick (that is how people get summer colds). Try not to melt.

sick and dying 

This heat and humidity is killing me. It makes it very hard to breathe. And with it so hot I am constantly nauseous and overheated. I am tired of suffering heatstoke and tired of visiting the med centre.

Today... I have to work at the store where the heat and humidity is MUCH WORSE. I forsee frequent trips to the back for the cooler office or frequent trips to any location with a/c. Maybe even closing early.

Ugh.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Music... therapy 

I have not really had access to much in the way of music of late. The CD's I have are "old" now and I have nothing of the newer stuff out there. I never realized how much I needed music till I was without it and now have it again. I have discovered how to access radio with my computer. *stop laughing all of you... I don't know everything about computers* Now that I have music... it is making a big impact on my moods. Wow. Yet another small piece falling into place.

Now if only the humidity would break.

Level 2 students... we will start class with a meditation and then take the class to an airconditioned cafe for our discussions.

Almost done 

All of tonight's tasks are done... excpet the kennel. I am about to do that now. Wow... I am finished my book. Damn. Now I wish I had a big book to keep me busy. But I do not dare spend any money that is not ABSOLUTELY necessary. It is all tight... but very doable now. There have been a few small good things... a trend?

I made a choice:
Take a leap of faith and trust the divine to provide and make things happen for my higher good.

And the stresses are starting to drop away and things are falling into place... in tiny tiny trickles. My niece is home. I will have a phone on my trip down. The car is getting fixed Monday. ANd the finances are JUST what I need to get there and back. Everything is actually a GO. Taking that leap of faith.

I made a choice. I am not "taking a chance". I made a choice.

Let's hope this will be a different birthday compared to all the ones I have had in the past. I feel peace inside. No matter the outcome of this weekend. I will know my path.

I made a choice. I am taking a leap of faith.
Blessed be.

4 more days 

I feel silly... counting down the days. This is the longest drive I will have done in my life. Thankfully I will be stopping at a friend's along the way to Tennessee for breakfast and a driving break. 4 days till I leave. I am nervous. Excited. Scared. Hopeful. Trusting in the gods... making a leap of faith.

I will bring some books along with me... and my journal. And my camera for picture! :( I will have no more fun reading left in 24hrs.

Ok... today's plan:
- clean the kennel at the vet and care for the animals
- vacuum my room
- put away laundry
- plan tomorrow's last Level 2 class
- read the rest of my Star Wars novel

Tomorrow:
- work at the store
- teach level 2

Tuesday:
- work at the store
- gym?
- meet Hobbes to discuss CMS teaching?

Wednesday:
- work at the store
- go see a movie with Airea (got free pass for 2 from store to see The Island)
- pack for my trip to Tennessee (food and clothes and music for the drive)

Thursday:
- get my car from my dad
- pack my car
- nap in the afternoon
- interview a new guy for the MPRC (5pm)
- eat dinner
- teach my tarot II class
- drive to Tennessee *EEEK!! SQUEEE!*

Saturday, July 16, 2005

THANK YOU! #1 

Don't know if there will be any more thank yous for other miracles... but this is one miracle I HAVE to share!!!

My niece came home!!! She was supposed to stay in the hospital for 2 weeks. They sent her home today!!!

THANK YOU for this one small miracle.

And so I smell the tiniest hint of the bad in the summer changing to good. I hope this is the start of a trend!
:)

Last classes 

This Sunday is the last official Spellcrafting Specialty class. ANd this Monday is the last Level 2 class. All homework is due in to the teachers of the various levels by July 30th so we can decide at our August teachers meeting exactly who is graduating and plan the next Fall sessions. It has been a long hard year for everyone. I am glad to have shared with folk... classes were blessed highlights. But I am also glad it is over. It is exhausting to be teaching (and i bet to be studying) through the summer.

This is a reminder to folks that I will not be here over my birthday weekend. I intend to be visiting Mike in Tennessee and perhaps my roleplaying friend Max in Ohio. SO... if you need to discuss anything with me ... be sure to reach me before Thursday. Thursday night I begin the long 18 hr drive down. For those who I know will be worrying about me... I will be having breakfast with Max on Friday morning and should be at Mike's by the evening. When I know the new cell number, I will post it... in case I MUST be reached. I should be home by the Monday night of the 25th. I may be home earlier. I may be home later. It depends on what the plans are once I arrive. I look forward to the roadtrip.

Friday, July 15, 2005

La la la... 

Ok... I have taken M-SB's cell, which is a long time cancelled account, and paid off its little balance of $157. I will have a new cell and # as of Wednesday. SO! I will have a cell for the trip down. Now... need to see how to make up that money. Current finances as tonght are $100. I need a couple things for my car, unless my parents do it for my birthday (I will request). then Sunday I get $60 for a class and Wednesday I get a store paycheck or $136. Total (if I do not have to pay the car stuff) is $300 ish. Almost enough. It cost $300USD to drive there and back in gas. I can bring my own food and drink. No problems there. But it is the little costs of things before I leave. Like parking for work next week. Stuff for my car as my Dad deems is absolutely necessary before I leave. And a phone charger for the car. OY!

Ok... one step at a time. Take a trip to the vet for that paycheck, then to the banks to deposit it, then provigo to rid my house of refundable cans and bottles and get cat litter.

Then... supper and plan the weekend classes.

Worry about tomorrow... tomorrow.

*GROWL* 

*takes a deep deep breath*

Ok... My niece is going to be fine. Thank gods.

My trip to Tennessee and my cell phone are still a nightmare. My plan for a nother service is a no go. More expensive than my original service. Telus is still best by far. So... Now what? I can pay the cell Sunday night. But then I only have my store paycheck to cover my trip down... and that is only $136. Not enough for gas all the way down and back. Not food neither. Now parking for work during this week. Nothing.
*growl*

My other option would be to go down with no phone. But that is WAY risky.

Bad News... hope it improves 

My niece went into surgery yesterday to have the rest of her thyroid removed. It did not go so well. The surgery is over, but she is still in a recovery area as her breathing is still problematic. Please send good energy her way.

News Update 8:30am:
Almost lost her overnight in the wee hours this morning

New update 9:30am:
Much improvement. She is being moved from ICU into her own hospital room.

Walked... more 

I thank a Wolf for walking a LONG walk with me and listening to be fret and freak out. My nerves are thin these days. Makes me kinda snap for all sorts of things. I flipped about my cell phone. Was still flipping after the class. It was kinda that last straw thing. WW listened and and power walked with me. Remarkable how far and fast I walk when I am freaking out. I am not freaking out now. Now I have a plan worked out and hopefully the budget will still work out.

OH! ANd the bird sanctuary and rapids are now all fences off at night so no one can sit by them. Damn. Gonna have to find a new spot by the water to go freak out by in the wee hours.

Tomorrow:
- M-SB wants to go to Ikea and christen the Ikea card
- I want to go to Bell, swallow my pride, and get cell service from them
- Then to my parents for the evening (as I forgot there was a coven meeting Saturday evening)

So there is the plan. I should have a cell... with a new number tomorrow.
And Wolf's advice on my stress... The gods are testing your patience. Be patient. It will work out.
Me... and patience... Definately this summer's lesson.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

THIS day was REALLY up and down 

Anxiety in the morning.
Relief after the doctor's appointment.
Decent meeting with the people whose handfasting I am leading.
EXCITEMENT with Roo for her business cards.
Energy throughout the gym.
Down and nauseous befor class.
Frustrated and dealt a hard financial blow... I have no cell until I pay them $350. Shit... no phone for the Tenessee trip. *PANIC*
Walked a bit before clas to rebalance.
Taught an awesome class.
Then the anxiety attack really started to set in. I can't breathe well and I am dizzy and frustrated.

Home now... and did not get as many students as I hoped for and thus not as much income. Shit.

I need to walk. NEED TO WALK. I need to lie down. Stupid humidity and stress.

Happy Birthday 

Today is my Grandfather's birthday. He has been deceased for 2 years now. I will honour him with childish laughter and at lease one naughty teasing trick to someone... all in fun of course.

: D

Medical Update 

Test results are back. Everything is normal. Mostly. Some lows because i have been ill and not eating well. However, still normal. Diagnosis... you do not do well in this muggy heat. You should work in such an environmment and you are showing large abouts of stress. Take some downtime in a cool air-filtered place. The x-rays were not in yet and she said she would call me if there was anything this afternoon. No news... is good news.

Sitting in the filtered cool air of the doctor's office went a LONG way to helping me feel better. I actually want to eat food. So brunch is now being had.

at 2pm I meet with folks to discuss their handfasting
at 3pm i go to the Gym with Roo and then drive her and her new business cards home
at 7pm i teach Tarot II

That is the day plan. Dinner should be had in there before class. And I have to loan Hobbes the CMS Level 1 reading pack.

The budget for my Tennessee trip is not as good as I hoped. It will be a severly tight squeeze... and many divine prayers.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Drained 

OMGs... I am so tired. The heat and humidity was horrible. The energy at work was not much better. Sucked the energy right out of me! We should have closed early but there were reader appointments. We endured.

I walked all the way to Chapters afetr and got book 2 of the Star Wars books I am reading. I need a distraction.

I am still burning my wish candle. It is a long slow burn.

Dear Gods and Spirit
Hear my heart's call
Please help me
To live through it all

Up and Down 

Yesterday was an ok day i guess. Today... I woke nauseous again and unable to breathe. It is easing up now. And the bruise from the blood tests... WOW... definately wearing long sleeves today.

It is going to be VERY muggy out. Ugh. Thunderstorm supposedly in the afternoon right through the night.

I planned out my drive to Tennessee and printed the maps. 8 days. I will be driving right through the Ohio areas I drove through in October... and the area where my roleplaying buddy Max now lives. Maybe I will try to stop in to see some of them on the way back.

Paid my cell phone and some other bills. Now just need to save for the trip.

Today I work at the store and then... dunno.

Tomorrow I see the doc at 10am. Then I print up the tentative Handfasting ritual I am facilitating. I meet with them at 2pm. Then I hang out or maybe go home... till 6pm. Maybe I will go to a Matinee film. Grab some dinner and teach Tarot II.

Friday: clean I guess... and plan the weekend classes. Maybe get out to my parents for my dad to do some things on my car. Same for Saturday and Sunday. Ugh... dealing with my ... no... I will not think about it. I will go buy a new book and ignore the world while dad works on my car.

Then I work for 3 days. ANd hope my nerves keep steady. then Next Thursday... MPRC interview and teaching... then off I go!

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Grrr 

I now have a big ass f-ing bruise where they took blood from me. It is quite unseemly and embarrassing. Long sleeves tomorrow.

Medical excursions (sp?) 

Yesterday I was at the clinic unable to breathe and dizzy from it. Today, on the doctor's orders I spent time at St-Mary's Hospital for blood tests, then at the Queen Elizabeth Hospital for chest x-rays. Thursday I go back to the clinic to see the doc and hear what she has to say about the results.

I was so nervous. I hate needles. The nurse had to ask me to be still twice. I was shaking. I should have brought someone with me. Now I have a bruise... a swollen bruise because I was shaking so much she could not keep the needle in place.

Well, on the up side, I was able to breathe when I woke today... and was actually hungry and WANTED food. So I treated myself to yummy sushi.

Monday, July 11, 2005

A song I now know by heart... 

Boulevard of Broken Dreams
by Greenday

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's only me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I walk alone

Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah
AhhhAh-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah

Ahhh
I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line of the edge
And where I walk alone

Read between the lines
What's f**ked up and everythings all right
Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive
And I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I walk alone

Ah-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah
AhhhAh-Ah Ah-Ah Ah-Ah

Ahhh
I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a..

My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I walk alone.

More Airea Therapy... I am learning to share who I am with others... 

This is a Meme I took from her site.

What Was I Doing:

10 years ago
10 years ago I was 22 turning 23, it was 1995 and I had just graduated from Concordia with a BA Major Classics / Minor Anthropology and was working on certificate course fro Graphic Design, Journalism and Technical Documentation. I start CUPS (Concordia University Pagan Society) and was just passing it off to the new president of the club. I also was starting my own school of paganism. Unfortunately I was living with someone whom I learn many lessons from over the coming years and was working two crazy jobs (a day job and a night job) and we were trying to be the janitors for the apartment buildings we lived in. I ended up doing most everything. A few other crises arose, which I am NOT comfortable discussing here... if ever. In the end, we were out of money with no food and soon no home. I took some desperate actions. And got a new apartment. Thanks to my mom who had no reason to be generous to me especially when I was "with" him.

5 years ago
2000 CE... I was learning to be comfortable with myself and that it was good to be in a calm safe relationship. I was in a good job that complimented my studies. I was working at Le Melange Magique and the pagan school was starting to do real well. Even started a Pagan resource centre and joined a coven. Life was good and stable.

1 year ago
This time last year I was struggling through intensive studies at Concordia for my second BA and graduated with Honours in Religion. I was frustrated with many aspects of my life but things were still stable... relatively. I was happily losing myself and my frustration in SWG online gaming and discovered or rather rediscovered my love for roleplaying and writing through this game. I decided to write a novel. *still working very very slowly on it*

Yesterday
Yesterday I woke having a hard time breathing and was most nauseous. I had to teach a specialty Spellcrafting class anyways. So, I gathered what I needed for the class and stopped at the pharmacy to get some cans of Boost to see if I can manage to down that. Class went real well. I was hoping to talk with Mike in the evening and called him to give him my mom's number. We chatted lightly for 5 min while he was driving to get a friends from the airport. I passed him my mom's number and then hung up for his own safety. *lol* Off to my mom's to do laundry and hopefully not fight with anyone in the house. I was curt... and forced myself to remain polite. Talked with my mom lots and finished laundry early. Thus home again. I was absorbed in my Star Wars novel while there when not talking to her and again in the evening when I got home. The heat was horrible. I wish it would rain. Mike did not call. He starts back at work on the crazy 4am to 6pm schedule Monday.

5 nsacks I enjoy
-koolaid
-cheese croissants
-sugar bomb cinnamon croissants
-Dairy Queen Blizzards (even tho that make me sick)
-nachos

5 songs I know all the words to
- Goddess Chant (Shawna Carol)
- Everything I do I do for you (Bryan Adams)
- American Soldier (Toby Kieth)
- I'm Already There (Lonestar)
- Time of Your Life (Greenday)
- Breathe (Faith Hill)
Oops... that is 6... oh well...

5 things I would to with $100 Million
I cant even imagine that much!
- pay off my bills (and all my family's bills)
- buy property for CMS in Ontario close to the US border
- buy houses for my family and me (in VERY different locations of Canada!)
- give 1/2 to charity (like the children's hospital and the MPRC)
- go to Japan

5 bad habits I have
- opening my mouth at inopportune moments and to the wrong people
- doing too much
- bottling in my stress
- not trusting people to know "me"
- not cleaning up my work space at home regularly

5 things I like doing
- writing
- learning
- teaching
- painting (which I have not done in 10 years)
- poetry (which I do secretly and not too often)
- READING star wars books and comics
Ooops... there's 6 again...

5 things I would never wear
- pink anything (except this one ratty badly knitted sweater mom made that is loose and comfy and never ever warn in public)
- anything frilly
- super short skirts (i have issues with skirts of any length)
- contacts
- white in the rain

5 TV shows I like
- Dark Angel
- Firefly
- Star Trek
- documentaries
- science/nature learning shows
*I have not had access to TV channels in like 10+ years... so most things I see are tapes, movies and TV series on DVD*

5 joys of the moment
- Mike (and the memories of May 2005)
- CMS
- my cats
- my close friends (you all know you you are)
- writing
- my coven
- my spiritual path

5 favorite toys
- computer
......... um..........
- my car
......... um..........
i... uh.... don't have many toys
:(

Bad to decent 

Today started out bad. I woke again unable to breathe with my heart pounding. That does it. One whole week of this nutty body doing this is UNACCEPTABLE! I decided to take it to the doctor.

A ticket on my car was my first discovery when I stepped outside. *sigh*

I got to the doctors, almost gasping and quite dizzy. But inside their a/c I was easing up to breathing almost normal. Great... I will be normal by the time I get seen. I wasn't... breathing was still a strain. The lady doctor was real nice. I like her. First time in 10 years I can say I liked a doctor. She listened to me and asked me questions and did not treat me like an idiot. She accepted that I had some medical knowledge and spoke to me as an equal. Her recommendations were to have full bloodwork done among other tests. Well... it has been like 10 years since I saw a doc. She was concerned about my thyroid, iron levels and obviously my lungs. She also requested chest X-Rays. She felt my breathing problems worsened over the week, which they did. She said this is most likely due to the humidity and smog... especially for athsmatics. And if my lungs had taken damage from either pneumonia or bronchitis, I should have an X-Ray. I have suffered both those in my life. So I am supposed to go for the tests and X-Rays tomorrow and see her again on Thursday. I have to fast for 12 hours. Joy. Nothing in me but water after 8pm. By the way... needles scare the crap out of me.

The store was horrid hot. We almost closed early again. But decided to tough it out this time as we were having a decent day. AND people are signing up for my Tarot II class. It is almost full! Maybe I will be able to make the money I need to go see Mike after all! YAY!

Got home and had a fun short CMS level 2 class. The day is ending decently. I will watch Ewoks (thanks Sarah!) and read my Star Wars book that came in at last earlier this week.

PS... Mom is being wierd. She was not the least phased by the idea of me leaving Canada and maybe going to the USA.... as long as I was 24hrs drive from "home". Well... Mike will be in Iraq. And 1.5 years is a long time... lots can happen in that time... and he has other crises to deal with at the moment. I will visit him around my birthday. I hope it is not the last time we see each other. *crosses fingers and prays HARD*

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Sick 

All the stress and lack of food and sleep and running around doing SO much stuff... has finally caught up to me. I am sick. Tired... and nauseous. I haven't even had the strength to plan my class. I wrapped a good shield for when coven was over. I did not want to worry them. I thought I would be ok. But not too long after they left... And right after I was planning on seeing a friend for movies... I was knocked flat.

I wonder what burn out really is?
Is it this?

If I am still like this Monday, I will go to a doctor. I am due for a full battery check up anyways. It has been so long since the last time... that I no longer have a GP. I don't know any.

I have work tomorrow, a class to plan and teach, and visit the parents and do laundry. Then plan another class. Gods I am tired. Being sick is tiring. I am sore. I want a long long long soothing back rub. I want the stresses to go away and the path to be clear again.

hmmm... I have an unused wish candle on my altar.

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Birthdays... *please bomb such days off the calendar* 

Well, an owl friend is like me about birthdays. They NEVER seem to go as planned and rarely well. My grandfather died on mine so my family no longer regards my birthday and busy themselves mourning instead.

This year... All I want is to get to go down to Tennessee to see Mike. That is it. Even if it is the very last time I ever see him in my life. That is what I want. Can the gods and universe PLEASE work in tandem just a little to help me on this?!?!

He is home safe by the way and trying to settle in and figure life out with the crises that life has thrown in the path. *sound of life sniggering at us*

I suspect this will be an all time low shitty birthday. Please no gift things... ok? I think at this point it will only make me real upset. I just want to be able to travel down. *sigh of frustration*

Friday, July 08, 2005

Tired......... 

I could not get to sleep early, but was too exhausted to go for that walk. So, I printed a bunch of pictures for Mike. I will mail them off to him... with a little letter.

Now I am burnt.
Crashing.

No longer functional.

Will go to parent's tomorrow just after lunch I think. Try to sleep in if I can.
Plan to not stay too long. Can't bear 20-qns from Mom about Mike right now... nor can I bear to be too close to certain other people... for the family sake.

Good night, I hope tomorrow is better for all.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Grant me, oh gods... grant me... 

Grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change.
Grant me the courage
to change the things I can.
And grant me the wisdom
to know the difference.

Please oh Gods....

Small accomplishments 

Today was SHITTY. Well not wholey but darned close to very emotionally drainingly shitty. The morning... well see the post below. I cleaned the kitchen. I got my bike locked downstairs OUTSIDE. I printed the CMS Teacher's Manual for Hobbes, good thing as I had to give it to him tonight. I got to the gym and had my weigh in. Lost more weight and inches. (January 146lbs, today 126lbs and minus several inches all around) YAY ME!

Emotionally throughout the day was a frustrating downwords spiral. Still struggling. Very drained.

To avoid that spiral I went into work early and prepped my class. I had a bite to eat with a friend and then taught a great class with a great bunch of students.

I did not want to come home. SO did not want to come home. Maybe I will go f0r one of those very late night walks tonight.

Tomorrow I go to my parents' place. To see how my Mom is, help her out a bit, do my laundry, talk with my dad (he misses me)... just check in with the homefront.

You the day is bad when... 

You wake up missing someone badly... several someones... but one more than any other.
Then there is a knock at the door as the guy from your electric company comes to disconnect you. Grrr. At least he was nice enough to let me know and give me a chance to give him a check and not disconnect me. I gave him the $200 check I was going to give my cell phone company. Dammit.

At this rate I can kiss my b-day present to miself goodbye.
What was it?
Driving to Tennessee to see Mike.

Cuz Airea is Therapeutic 

LAYERS MEME

LAYER ONE
Name: Theresa Kimberly
Birthdate: July 24, 1972
Birthplace: Montreal
Current Location: Montreal
Eye Color: Grey/Blue with hints of green
Hair Color: Copper-red
Righty or Lefty: depends on what I am doing
Sun Sign: Leo on Cancer cusp
Innie or Outtie: Innie

LAYER TWO
Your heritage: Irish/English/Scottish/German
The shoes you wore today: Kick-ass hiker-like high healed durable and practical black sandals (i like being 3 inched taller)
Your hair: shorter than I like and in ponytails (today)
Your eyes: shielded incase anyone sees what is in my soul
Your weakness: Mike and very patient gentle embraces... oh... and cats
Your fears: being alone (especially is I am ill or hurt) and not knowing what to do
Your perfect pizza: basic all dressed (extra cheese yummy though)
One thing you'd like to achieve: have a family (in the true sense of the word)

LAYER THREE
Your most overused phrase on IM: OMGs
Your first waking thoughts: "Bagheera STOP licking me!!"
The first feature you notice in the opposite sex: hands
Your best physical feature: my hair
Your bedtime: when I am no longer functional
Your greatest fear: not being loved
Your greatest accomplishment: CMS
Your most missed memory: There are two. 1- the person I used to be before 1995 and 2- May 3rd 2005

LAYER FOUR
Pepsi or Coke: Coke
McDonald's or Burger King: Mc D's.
Single or group dates: Depends on what the plans are
Adidas or Nike: I am indifferent
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Lipton
Chocolate or vanilla: Depends on how sick I am willing to endure being and what my craving at the moment is
Cappuccino or coffee: cappuccino with LOTS of sugar

LAYER FIVE
Smoke: Never
Cuss: more than I should and endeavoring not to
Sing: when no one can hear me
Take a shower everyday: relatively (usualy every second day)
Have a crush(es): yes
Who are they: They know who they are. The general public does not need to know.
Do you think you've been in love: Yes
Want to go to college: been there, done that, got the sweater... really!
Like high school: loved what I was learning hated the students
Want to get married: Very much so
Believe in yourself: most of the time
Type with your fingers on the right keys: mostly
Think you're attractive: no
Think you're a health freak: no, but trying to live a healthier (not healthy) life
Get along with your parents: Yes
Play an instrument: Bodhran (sorta) and want to learn to play the bowed psaltry (see link in wish list)

LAYER SIX
In the past month, did you...
Drink alcohol: no
Smoke: no and never
Do a drug: No and never
Make Out: my secrets and my dreams
Go on a date: no
Eat an entire box of Oreos: ah... no... that would kill me... and YUCK
Eat sushi: Cafe Yi... mmmmm... avacado sushi
Been on stage: no
Been dumped: hope not
Gone skating: no
Made homemade cookies: no, but want to
Been in love: Yes, still am
Gone skinny dipping: chickened out
Dyed your hair: never!!
Stolen anything: no, not that I am aware of

LAYER SEVEN
Have you ever...
Played a game that required removal of clothing: Yes
If so, was it mixed company: Yes
Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: No
Been caught "doing something": kinda... that was EMBARRASSING
Been called a tease: yes... and I accept it with no shame
Gotten beaten up: yes
Shoplifted: when i was a kid
If so, did you get caught: No
Changed who you were to fit in: No, been an outcast all my life

LAYER EIGHT
Age you hope to be married: wanted to be married at 25... missed that, hoping by 35
Numbers and Names of Children: At least one child, would love to have a boy and a girl. I used to want Skye Alexandra for a girl but not sure now and never really though about a boy's name. Like my brother, I will name my children once I see their eyes and soul.
Describe your Dream Wedding: Handfasting with the close family and friends and covens.
How do you want to die: peacefully in my sleep without suffering and at a very very old age
Where you want to go to college: went to John Abbott & Vanier and then University Concordia
What do you want to be when you grow up: Mother, wife, teacher, priestess
What country would you most like to visit: Japan

LAYER NINE
Number of guys you have ever kissed: 21, I think
Number of boyfriends you've had: serious bf's (as in more than a couple weeks)... 9
Number of drugs taken illegally: None!
Number of people I could trust with my life: maybe 20 if I am thinking just physical, people i trust to know the core of me... 4-5
Number of CDs that I own: 50-ish
Number of piercings: Two in left ear, one in the right, considering one more but not telling where.
Number of tattoos: 2 and want more
Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: dunno... stopped counting
Number of scars on my body: lots, from tomboyish activities and from cats
Number of things in my past that I regret: a few things

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

International Kissing Day 

Damn.... and I gots no one but my cat to kiss.
Well, hugs and kisses across the astral to all my friends! Especially the special intimate close ones... you few know who you are.

RAIN!!! 

At last it rained and the heat broke. The sun/heat stoky feeling is now easing up. The rain yesterday was wonderful. I did not go to the gym after work.

All kinds of places were flooded! I drove my car through several spots of 3-foot flooded areas.
- Radio-Canada
- CBC: Reasons for road flood still a mystery
- CBC: System called 'pitiful' after rain causes more floods
- CTV: Heavy rain causes commuter chaos in Montreal
There are some articles with pictures!

I got home and changed out of my very soaked things. Then did some computer work. I had to email ritual off. Hobbes came over to use my printer for the MPRC meeting and then we were off to that. Grabbed food along the way. So YES... I did finally eat something. The meeting was... small.... Frustrating.... We still covered some main topics and I lent my advice and observations. It still took us a while. *sigh* Then he dropped me off at home. I finished my computer work of meeting minutes for CMS and emailing out MPRC documents. Finally crashed around 2AM.

With the rain having cooled things, I was able to sleep comfortable. I woke at 7AM thinking... Hmmm.. Mike is awake. I miss him. I will go down to see him later this month I think. He has some personal crises to sort out first.

Awakening Isis, now that I am pretty much recovered from the sun/heat stroke. Was good and challenging and so very worth it. I like that there was no alcohol. But then... I am so squeemish about drunk people. Many folks that I like to see at Ontario Festivals don't usually come to it whether there is alcohol or not. So I miss them too. I might try to go for a day or two to Kaliedascope Gathering first weekend of August.

More rain is expected today. YAY!

My plan today:
- clean kitchen
- eat
- work at store 1-6pm
- go to the gym
- supper
- clean more house
- clean old mouse tank and prep it for a snake
- move Timid into it and then clean his tank

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Hit Hard 

Well... the sunstroke thing and exhaustion from the camping and overnight security shifts has really hit me hard. I have slept. But not the good kind of sleep. The sleep of the "OMG I have overdone it way way beyond my abilities" and the sun stroke has left me hypersensitive in any heat. That is normal when I suffer it... meaning that if I get a little too hot I get a recurring episode. Grrr.

And today... I wake hurting and stiff. I want to cry.
I won't, though. What is the point?

I was planning on going to the gym. But now I think I hurt to much to dare it. I will go home right after work and type that ritual I was supposed to email out and find something akin to dinner.

Top it off... I have a cavety that hurts. Grrr. I can't DO anything about it cuz I can't afford to. Not till I am back in school with the insurance. I will... endure.

It is what I do best.
The gods WILL NOT break me.

Monday, July 04, 2005

Back from Awakening Isis 

Interesting... that is what it was. *Interesting* in the Chinese curse sort of way.

But the weather was nice with a fun thunderstorm. Some of the workshops were fantastic. The rituals lovely. And seeing new and old frineds was special. There were much fewer people there, likely because of the no alcohol thing. But that meant that the hard core advanced energy workers were there and better able to focus. It was intense!

I got a bit of sun stroke. I am recovering. Tired and bleh feeling. Still a bit uncoordinated... slow. But I should be fine.

M-SB is away this week at his mom's. I have the house to myself. Yay! PARTY! well... not eally. I will get cleaning done and work and teach and all as usual. Hobbes was supposed to come over last night and keep me company, but another emergency required his attention.

I already miss my Ontario friends. I will try to go to Kaleidascope Gathering... at least for Sunday over through Monday. Depends on finances. My current finances are focused on 1- bills and 2- going to Tennessee to visit Mike.