Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Freaky wierd!!!
This has been a freaky wierd day... from hell?
I slept so very badly last night. When I got hom I was full of anxiety and hurt feelings and frustration and demoralization. I had wanted to quit everything. No worries, I didn't. It was not any one thing, but a series of things that had occurred over the entire day Tuesday and pretty much the whole previous week. It just hit hard last night. Thus, I slept poorly... well, not at all till about 5am. Then we up with the alarm and M-SB leaving. Then had to be in work.
I was almost late for work because I forgot I was out of gas in the car and had to stop to get some on the way into work. When I get to work, I like to have the first 20min to count cash, turn on lights, feed cats, plan the day and settle in before being inundated by calls and tasks and clients. That did not happen today. REALLY didn't. And on top of being way too tired to function and stressing about having to do lunch with the Polish grandmother-in-law, I had the very wierd and uncomfortable freaky client who ask me invasive religious questions and was very demanding or contrary. I had to be pleasant anyways. She took up most of my morning, but did buy alot. She set me all off kilter even more than I already was, not having the time to settle in and ground and be ready to handle people like that. In the end, I snapped unnecessarily at someone and had to apologize later. I sense of feeling shitty and incompetant with dealing with other human beings promptly settled in again after that. I went to hide in the back office for 10min before doing that lunch thing.
Lunch turned out to go better than I thought. I understood her better than I expected. It was enjoyable, awkward, but enjoyable. She told me all kinds of things about her life in Poland and during the war. She told me about her feelings about family and responsibility. It was like my Filial Piety readings all over. But different. She cares so much for her older friends and family. She does alot to take care of everyone in her own ways. We are all grateful. And she has suck old world European knowledge. I wanted to spend more time, but my lunch time was up. So it went better than before. And why did she come to have lunch? She wanted to give M-SB something, but it needed an explanation and felt I would understand better and be better able to convey that explanation better than she. I was honored.
I settled down and was much better for the remainder of the day at work. It only got crazy for me again when I was trying to figure out what to bring for the store for the Yule Fair. That is now all settles and packed and I won't have to worry about it at all on Friday! YAY!
M-SB met me for dinner and a shopping outing at Future Shop. I refrained from buying the incredibly beautiful tea cup set at the Korean shop. That was hard. They made me think of the tea cups used by Uncle Iroh in the Avatar: the Last Airbender series. *sigh* M-SB forbade me from buying things for myself. Though, that didn't work at Future Shop. I bought the very last copy of the new Loreena McKennitt CD. I needed something soothing to listen to tonight, something new. We did a little grocery shopping on the way home too.
Tomorrow, I have to do laundry and empty my car. Then I have some errands out in the West Island. Then... research and reading and PAPER. Oh... and printing stuff for the CMS table.
I am so very very tired. Yet, not in the way that means I can sleep. I am exhausted. I think I will do a chapter on my fanfic, unless it starts to take up concentration. Then go to bed. I fully intend to SLEEP IN tomorrow.
I slept so very badly last night. When I got hom I was full of anxiety and hurt feelings and frustration and demoralization. I had wanted to quit everything. No worries, I didn't. It was not any one thing, but a series of things that had occurred over the entire day Tuesday and pretty much the whole previous week. It just hit hard last night. Thus, I slept poorly... well, not at all till about 5am. Then we up with the alarm and M-SB leaving. Then had to be in work.
I was almost late for work because I forgot I was out of gas in the car and had to stop to get some on the way into work. When I get to work, I like to have the first 20min to count cash, turn on lights, feed cats, plan the day and settle in before being inundated by calls and tasks and clients. That did not happen today. REALLY didn't. And on top of being way too tired to function and stressing about having to do lunch with the Polish grandmother-in-law, I had the very wierd and uncomfortable freaky client who ask me invasive religious questions and was very demanding or contrary. I had to be pleasant anyways. She took up most of my morning, but did buy alot. She set me all off kilter even more than I already was, not having the time to settle in and ground and be ready to handle people like that. In the end, I snapped unnecessarily at someone and had to apologize later. I sense of feeling shitty and incompetant with dealing with other human beings promptly settled in again after that. I went to hide in the back office for 10min before doing that lunch thing.
Lunch turned out to go better than I thought. I understood her better than I expected. It was enjoyable, awkward, but enjoyable. She told me all kinds of things about her life in Poland and during the war. She told me about her feelings about family and responsibility. It was like my Filial Piety readings all over. But different. She cares so much for her older friends and family. She does alot to take care of everyone in her own ways. We are all grateful. And she has suck old world European knowledge. I wanted to spend more time, but my lunch time was up. So it went better than before. And why did she come to have lunch? She wanted to give M-SB something, but it needed an explanation and felt I would understand better and be better able to convey that explanation better than she. I was honored.
I settled down and was much better for the remainder of the day at work. It only got crazy for me again when I was trying to figure out what to bring for the store for the Yule Fair. That is now all settles and packed and I won't have to worry about it at all on Friday! YAY!
M-SB met me for dinner and a shopping outing at Future Shop. I refrained from buying the incredibly beautiful tea cup set at the Korean shop. That was hard. They made me think of the tea cups used by Uncle Iroh in the Avatar: the Last Airbender series. *sigh* M-SB forbade me from buying things for myself. Though, that didn't work at Future Shop. I bought the very last copy of the new Loreena McKennitt CD. I needed something soothing to listen to tonight, something new. We did a little grocery shopping on the way home too.
Tomorrow, I have to do laundry and empty my car. Then I have some errands out in the West Island. Then... research and reading and PAPER. Oh... and printing stuff for the CMS table.
I am so very very tired. Yet, not in the way that means I can sleep. I am exhausted. I think I will do a chapter on my fanfic, unless it starts to take up concentration. Then go to bed. I fully intend to SLEEP IN tomorrow.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
*relieved sigh*
I slept a good deal of Sunday and Monday. It helped. As did delicious Chicken soup made by Karyn!
The Yule ritual practice on Sunday night went with stumbling. The translations are going well, the quarter calls were great. The HP & HPS really need practice. I will write my stuff out and his on cue cards to facilitate this. And maybe I can sit with him Thursday night and practice during his shift at the MPRC.
I have gotten a chunk of research for my paper done. So so so much more to do. Today was... HUZZAH!!!!.... my last class! I don't have to be in class next week. I just have to manage to have a paper written by December 8th. And GRRRRR... today he tells me I should read yet ANOTHER set book and incorporate Women's Inner Alchemy into my paper. *sigh* We'll see.
This evening was the CMS Teachers Meeting. It was good to see everyone. I usually only ever see Hobbes and Amanda and not really the rest. So this was a great opportunity to touch base with everyone. There was some good feedback and some tough to take feedback. I will consider everyone's comments and suggestions. I have much to think about and consider. Thanks all.
Tomorrow I have a new challenge. M-SB's Polish grandmother, who speaks English sorta, is meeting me at my very not-Christian store to take me to lunch. This is so very AWKWARD!!! i don't even know why... as in why she wants to do lunch with me and mot with M-SB. When she called, she didn't even want to talk to him on the phone. I am all wierded out.
And my mom wants to hand over a bunch of her subbing days to me, but I am busy.
Must... survive... till... December... 8th....
Oh... and the massage oils I prepared for the BFC table... hmmm... 3 successes, one kinda failure. I will try to salvage the failure on Thursday.
What is on my to do list?
- read more Filial Piety (other that the 2 of 3 books that turned out useless)
- work on fanfic
- write up cue cards for ritual
- print CMS stuff for table
- start writing paper
The Yule ritual practice on Sunday night went with stumbling. The translations are going well, the quarter calls were great. The HP & HPS really need practice. I will write my stuff out and his on cue cards to facilitate this. And maybe I can sit with him Thursday night and practice during his shift at the MPRC.
I have gotten a chunk of research for my paper done. So so so much more to do. Today was... HUZZAH!!!!.... my last class! I don't have to be in class next week. I just have to manage to have a paper written by December 8th. And GRRRRR... today he tells me I should read yet ANOTHER set book and incorporate Women's Inner Alchemy into my paper. *sigh* We'll see.
This evening was the CMS Teachers Meeting. It was good to see everyone. I usually only ever see Hobbes and Amanda and not really the rest. So this was a great opportunity to touch base with everyone. There was some good feedback and some tough to take feedback. I will consider everyone's comments and suggestions. I have much to think about and consider. Thanks all.
Tomorrow I have a new challenge. M-SB's Polish grandmother, who speaks English sorta, is meeting me at my very not-Christian store to take me to lunch. This is so very AWKWARD!!! i don't even know why... as in why she wants to do lunch with me and mot with M-SB. When she called, she didn't even want to talk to him on the phone. I am all wierded out.
And my mom wants to hand over a bunch of her subbing days to me, but I am busy.
Must... survive... till... December... 8th....
Oh... and the massage oils I prepared for the BFC table... hmmm... 3 successes, one kinda failure. I will try to salvage the failure on Thursday.
What is on my to do list?
- read more Filial Piety (other that the 2 of 3 books that turned out useless)
- work on fanfic
- write up cue cards for ritual
- print CMS stuff for table
- start writing paper
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Ungodly!!!
It is the weekend.
Weekends are for sleeping in.
What time did I wake up yesterday? 5:00AM
What time did I wake up today? (check the timestamp on this post, i've been online for an hour...do the math)
I should be dead to the world.
I also wish I was allowed to participate in the NaNoWriMo. But alas, according to the rules, I couldn't. My novel was started before November 1st.
Pages: 180
WordCount: 102,181
Sinus Advil/Tylonol Cold taken: 9 (in last 3 days... going now to get another... so 10)
I hate being sick!!!!!!
Weekends are for sleeping in.
What time did I wake up yesterday? 5:00AM
What time did I wake up today? (check the timestamp on this post, i've been online for an hour...do the math)
I should be dead to the world.
I also wish I was allowed to participate in the NaNoWriMo. But alas, according to the rules, I couldn't. My novel was started before November 1st.
Pages: 180
WordCount: 102,181
Sinus Advil/Tylonol Cold taken: 9 (in last 3 days... going now to get another... so 10)
I hate being sick!!!!!!
Saturday, November 25, 2006
It's Official
I am sick..... again.....
Stupid head cold. Yes, I went to a doctor.
"You have no swelling, no infection, nothing. Just a cold. Go home and rest for 3-7 days."
Ya, right. Great. Thanks....
I am congested. Stuffy and cranky.
On the fanfic front:
Pages: 171
Wordcount: 98,511
This has not changed in 24 hrs. My inspiration left when he saw I had a cold and didn't want to catch it himself. It would be nice if he tried to inspire me at least by ethereal phone. *sigh* Being sick is cramping my style.
On the Taoism paper front:
I have all the books I can find useful on Filial Piety. I have little of use for women's roles in society during the T'ang Dynasty/medieval China. There is just bits here and there in the Filial Piety books. I have great books for the rest of the paper, though no hagiographies, yet. I have been reading and taking notes. I should be ready to tackle the first bits of my Paper by Monday.
Today, I will be making stew. A *HUGE* batch of it, so it can be frozen for later meals. Plus I have been craving stew in our now chilly weather.
Stupid head cold. Yes, I went to a doctor.
"You have no swelling, no infection, nothing. Just a cold. Go home and rest for 3-7 days."
Ya, right. Great. Thanks....
I am congested. Stuffy and cranky.
On the fanfic front:
Pages: 171
Wordcount: 98,511
This has not changed in 24 hrs. My inspiration left when he saw I had a cold and didn't want to catch it himself. It would be nice if he tried to inspire me at least by ethereal phone. *sigh* Being sick is cramping my style.
On the Taoism paper front:
I have all the books I can find useful on Filial Piety. I have little of use for women's roles in society during the T'ang Dynasty/medieval China. There is just bits here and there in the Filial Piety books. I have great books for the rest of the paper, though no hagiographies, yet. I have been reading and taking notes. I should be ready to tackle the first bits of my Paper by Monday.
Today, I will be making stew. A *HUGE* batch of it, so it can be frozen for later meals. Plus I have been craving stew in our now chilly weather.
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Good News / Bad News
Which should I address first? Bad. Always address the bad news first to get it out of the way and be able to end on a good note. And anyways, that is also the natural progression of today. It was bad to start and has come to end pretty good. I was woken at 5:00AM with a terrible fever, sore through and hot itchy nose. Yup... sick... again. I puttered on the computer till the daytime Tylonol cold kicked in then was asleep till noon.
I puttered a bit more and had some cereal. Then I loggfed onto the site for my loans and bursaries and filled in my income assessment form. I waited till they were off lunch break and called them about the marriage certificate thing. And they settled it out that I don't need to send one AND they already received my online assessment form. Guess What? I AM GETTING A BURSARY!!! Not a big one... but $250!!! YAY! I can pay my mom!!! This was great news!
The day eased from there. The fever eased, I had another nap which also helped. I washed dishes and puttered some more. Grocery shopping in the evening was full of "I am sick and want this to sooth my soul." So mmmmm.... mint ceam filled chocolate swiss rolls.... mmmmm....
I puttered a bit more and had some cereal. Then I loggfed onto the site for my loans and bursaries and filled in my income assessment form. I waited till they were off lunch break and called them about the marriage certificate thing. And they settled it out that I don't need to send one AND they already received my online assessment form. Guess What? I AM GETTING A BURSARY!!! Not a big one... but $250!!! YAY! I can pay my mom!!! This was great news!
The day eased from there. The fever eased, I had another nap which also helped. I washed dishes and puttered some more. Grocery shopping in the evening was full of "I am sick and want this to sooth my soul." So mmmmm.... mint ceam filled chocolate swiss rolls.... mmmmm....
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Fan Fic Update
Pages: 160
Wordcount: 90,938
The termpaper... well that isn't going anywhere. Nor is getting my legal paperwork. I was so exhausted from the weekend that I only woke around noonish. I am heading out to the library to get the books I need for my paper. Tonight I will compile my Women's expected roles in Medieval China notes for that section of my paper.
Wordcount: 90,938
The termpaper... well that isn't going anywhere. Nor is getting my legal paperwork. I was so exhausted from the weekend that I only woke around noonish. I am heading out to the library to get the books I need for my paper. Tonight I will compile my Women's expected roles in Medieval China notes for that section of my paper.
Monday, November 20, 2006
Busy Sunday
Sunday was busy busy busy. I did breakfast for the house this time, with M-SB's help. It was breakfast hash. The big pilsbury croissants are WAY better than the small ones. Gonna hafta get thems again!
Dashed out to get a b-day cake and supplies for my Yule craft for the BFC Yule Fair table. I am making massage oils. We had a blast making crafts and sharing and oh ya... eating cake. Tsuki begs wonderfully and loves ice cream! I hope we do more fun things like this with our coven.
M-SB ordered in pizza and subs for dinner. Mmmmm... and I got some research done and some fanfic written. The next few days are focused on Filial Piety and women's roles in Chinese society. I have to stop at the library today and get a bunch of books.
The evening, however, I kinda spiralled badly. Hence my previous post. I felt better after a nap and some chatting with good friends.
Unfortunately... I slept MISERABLY last night. It was probably because I took a nap from 8:30-11:00pm. I couldn't get to sleep. When I did, every little thing woke me. I got up this morning feeling like crap and aching all over. and ugh... I have to work at the store today. I just want to sleep in. Hell, I just want to sleep.
Dashed out to get a b-day cake and supplies for my Yule craft for the BFC Yule Fair table. I am making massage oils. We had a blast making crafts and sharing and oh ya... eating cake. Tsuki begs wonderfully and loves ice cream! I hope we do more fun things like this with our coven.
M-SB ordered in pizza and subs for dinner. Mmmmm... and I got some research done and some fanfic written. The next few days are focused on Filial Piety and women's roles in Chinese society. I have to stop at the library today and get a bunch of books.
The evening, however, I kinda spiralled badly. Hence my previous post. I felt better after a nap and some chatting with good friends.
Unfortunately... I slept MISERABLY last night. It was probably because I took a nap from 8:30-11:00pm. I couldn't get to sleep. When I did, every little thing woke me. I got up this morning feeling like crap and aching all over. and ugh... I have to work at the store today. I just want to sleep in. Hell, I just want to sleep.
Sunday, November 19, 2006
funk...
There are days I hate the world.
There are days I hate myself.
Then there are days I am not sure which I hate more.
This is one of those days.
Though, I think I am leaning to the hate myself camp.
I can't have everything.
I can't be everything.
I have cut back so much.
But it is not enough.
It is never enough.
I have handed stuff over to others.
But is is not enough.
It is never enough.
Sacrifice was in my year's divination.
But the cost is too high.
It is too much.
Leave me be.
Let me alone.
I will sort it out.
Help me.
Hold me up.
We will sort it out.
Killing me softly.
I am in a funk.
There are days I hate myself.
Then there are days I am not sure which I hate more.
This is one of those days.
Though, I think I am leaning to the hate myself camp.
I can't have everything.
I can't be everything.
I have cut back so much.
But it is not enough.
It is never enough.
I have handed stuff over to others.
But is is not enough.
It is never enough.
Sacrifice was in my year's divination.
But the cost is too high.
It is too much.
Leave me be.
Let me alone.
I will sort it out.
Help me.
Hold me up.
We will sort it out.
Killing me softly.
I am in a funk.
Various Updates
Today was a busy day. M-SB and I did a ton of cleaning inthe house. It needed it. I also worked on my fanfic.
Pages: 155 pages
Word Count: 86,902 words
Had a meeting today that was full of good yet sad yet good news. This is definately the time of reslection and self-evaluation in relation to ones spirituality. Change is yet again on the wind. It would be nice if the bloody dust would just settle. *sigh*
I figured out what I will do for the Yule fair for our coven table since I cannot sell tea blends. I will make massage oils. Must go get grapeseed oil tomorrow before our meeting.
I also got a ton of research done on Confucian Filial Piety. There are a few books I need to get at the library on Monday. Then I can compile those notes and write the first section of my termpaper.
Oh... I work on Monday. YAY! I like working on Mondays at the store. When I get the morning quietly to myself at the beginning of the week, I can get a ton planned out. Please don't bombard me till noon!!! There is so much cool stuff at the store now too! I don't usually work Mondays. Mondays, but I don't have class on Tuesday this week, so I don't need the day for reading and homework. And, I could use the extra money with Yule coming and all.
OH! I am teaching Grade 6 on December 8th for the whole day. Tough group. Not one I had before. But they have a big project they can work on all day. I just have to facilitate it. I like the subbing. It pays me something like $38 / hour. I make in one day of subbing more than I make in two ish days working at the store. The stress level is the same. However, the reliability is nil. I can't count on subbing for an income. I never know when or if I will be working for a school.
And I am grumpy cuz I have to do a shit load of running around this week. I have to go to the courthouse and get a new paper saying I was married. Then I have to find the dumb office to go to in person and get a marriage certifictae. My student Loan for next term is hinging on that paper and they will not accept the one from the courthouse. Guess Tuesday will be a busy run-around day.
Pages: 155 pages
Word Count: 86,902 words
Had a meeting today that was full of good yet sad yet good news. This is definately the time of reslection and self-evaluation in relation to ones spirituality. Change is yet again on the wind. It would be nice if the bloody dust would just settle. *sigh*
I figured out what I will do for the Yule fair for our coven table since I cannot sell tea blends. I will make massage oils. Must go get grapeseed oil tomorrow before our meeting.
I also got a ton of research done on Confucian Filial Piety. There are a few books I need to get at the library on Monday. Then I can compile those notes and write the first section of my termpaper.
Oh... I work on Monday. YAY! I like working on Mondays at the store. When I get the morning quietly to myself at the beginning of the week, I can get a ton planned out. Please don't bombard me till noon!!! There is so much cool stuff at the store now too! I don't usually work Mondays. Mondays, but I don't have class on Tuesday this week, so I don't need the day for reading and homework. And, I could use the extra money with Yule coming and all.
OH! I am teaching Grade 6 on December 8th for the whole day. Tough group. Not one I had before. But they have a big project they can work on all day. I just have to facilitate it. I like the subbing. It pays me something like $38 / hour. I make in one day of subbing more than I make in two ish days working at the store. The stress level is the same. However, the reliability is nil. I can't count on subbing for an income. I never know when or if I will be working for a school.
And I am grumpy cuz I have to do a shit load of running around this week. I have to go to the courthouse and get a new paper saying I was married. Then I have to find the dumb office to go to in person and get a marriage certifictae. My student Loan for next term is hinging on that paper and they will not accept the one from the courthouse. Guess Tuesday will be a busy run-around day.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
May the Force be with you?
I went to teach grade 6 today. As I entered the school, the freindly staffers greeted me and asked "who" I was today. I told them and they got this look of shock and anguish. They consoled me and wished me luck. One even said "May the Force be with you... you'll need it!" What was I getting into?
They were not that bad at all. I was a bit of a nazi teacher, but that was only me not lewtting them get away with a single 1/16 of an ounce of misconduct. They were really good for me. I hope the teacher calls me back. I think I have a rapport with the little monsters, um ... students. hehe. No, honestly, they were actually decent. But many have seen me in previous years and know they can't get away with anything with me. They also know that if they are wonderful, I will do things like visit with my snakes or lizards, or drums or teach them stuff about mythology or art or symbols. I do cool stuuff with good classes. If I get called back to this class, I will bring something fun with me as a reward for them being good wth me today.
I crashed when i got home. Since I woke every 30min last night for no bloody reason, I was exhausted by the time i got home. I had a broken nap, but still. And we went to Best Buy while lasagna cooked. We now own Avatar the Last Airbender Book 1 complete set. YAY!!!!!
And... I got through one of my more difficult sections of my fanfic. I hate hate hate monologues. They always feel like bad incoherent verbal diarrhea. Apparently it went well according to the :fans"... yup, my fanfic has fans... coolness. *blush* And I now have 142 pages and 81,115 words. WOOHOO!
They were not that bad at all. I was a bit of a nazi teacher, but that was only me not lewtting them get away with a single 1/16 of an ounce of misconduct. They were really good for me. I hope the teacher calls me back. I think I have a rapport with the little monsters, um ... students. hehe. No, honestly, they were actually decent. But many have seen me in previous years and know they can't get away with anything with me. They also know that if they are wonderful, I will do things like visit with my snakes or lizards, or drums or teach them stuff about mythology or art or symbols. I do cool stuuff with good classes. If I get called back to this class, I will bring something fun with me as a reward for them being good wth me today.
I crashed when i got home. Since I woke every 30min last night for no bloody reason, I was exhausted by the time i got home. I had a broken nap, but still. And we went to Best Buy while lasagna cooked. We now own Avatar the Last Airbender Book 1 complete set. YAY!!!!!
And... I got through one of my more difficult sections of my fanfic. I hate hate hate monologues. They always feel like bad incoherent verbal diarrhea. Apparently it went well according to the :fans"... yup, my fanfic has fans... coolness. *blush* And I now have 142 pages and 81,115 words. WOOHOO!
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Glee!!!
I am positively GIDDY! Finally the proposal is done, handed it and...
ACCEPTED!
Accepted as good without many modifications required. And the presentatin went well too! I am so bouncy and giddy and happy and relieved and ... and... SQUEEEE!!!!!
Major stress off my shoulders.
Now I have a ton of reading and piecing together of info and writing a 20+ page paper. It is supposed to be "publication academic journal worthy". EEK! New stress, but not nearly as bad as before. I am feeling more confident about my writing skills... thanks to the fanfic I think.
Well, tomorrow is work and more fanfic. Gods help everyone at work. I will still be riding on THIS high for a bit. WEEHEE!
I have to remember to call my mom and ask about the grade 6 I am teaching. I better not be teaching it because she chickened out. I am grateful for the money and the job... but damn... some of those kids belong in specialized institutions. I am not trained nor equipped to deal with them.
Well... off to bed! Need to conserve some of thet giddy gleeful energy for tomorrow... heeheehee!
ACCEPTED!
Accepted as good without many modifications required. And the presentatin went well too! I am so bouncy and giddy and happy and relieved and ... and... SQUEEEE!!!!!
Major stress off my shoulders.
Now I have a ton of reading and piecing together of info and writing a 20+ page paper. It is supposed to be "publication academic journal worthy". EEK! New stress, but not nearly as bad as before. I am feeling more confident about my writing skills... thanks to the fanfic I think.
Well, tomorrow is work and more fanfic. Gods help everyone at work. I will still be riding on THIS high for a bit. WEEHEE!
I have to remember to call my mom and ask about the grade 6 I am teaching. I better not be teaching it because she chickened out. I am grateful for the money and the job... but damn... some of those kids belong in specialized institutions. I am not trained nor equipped to deal with them.
Well... off to bed! Need to conserve some of thet giddy gleeful energy for tomorrow... heeheehee!
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
On Praise
Praise is one of those things that people need to hear to keep from being demoralized. It is important in a work environment. It is important in military. It is important with school. It is important in the home.
Praise let's us know we are doing something right, especially if we are wondering if we ever do. It encourages us. It inspires us...
... to do and be even better.
I really do enjoy the praise. It keeps me writing. It keeps me doing some of the things I do. It lifts me up and gives me the strangth and courage to keep doing all the things I do...
Just...
It would be better... if the praise came from the people one needs to hear it from...
Praise let's us know we are doing something right, especially if we are wondering if we ever do. It encourages us. It inspires us...
... to do and be even better.
I really do enjoy the praise. It keeps me writing. It keeps me doing some of the things I do. It lifts me up and gives me the strangth and courage to keep doing all the things I do...
Just...
It would be better... if the praise came from the people one needs to hear it from...
Monday, November 13, 2006
More Writing
I haven't been here lately to post blog entries since I have been busy writing my fan fiction. And everytime I come here and talk about writing about my fanfic, I worry that I am being completely stupid. Like who cares that I am writing something as useless as fan fiction based on some cartoon.
For those who do care. I have now 132 pages (including fan art form folks drawing for my fiction story) and 76,171 words written... all since October 23rd. I am proud of the work. It is the most I have wriiten and feel good because it is going to be the first actual novel that I will finish. For those that care... it will eventually be edited and put into a nice bound version. I will even be so bold as to send it to the creators and producers of the cartoon and request permission to publish. That is a scary thing. But the folks reading it are serious and seriously recommend I try. They are so excited about my story that they make me excited and it keeps me writing it.
On another writing front... my damnable proposal is essentially written. I just need to do the bibliography. Then I need to prepare notes for so I can do a presentation on it TOMORROW! EEEK! Then I just have to write the paper. So no, if you have a party or movie or event or whatever and it happens before (new date by teacher) December 8th, please do not expect me there. I will be busy paper reading/researching/writing.
I am taking a break from the Taoism paper thing now, as I have been working on it all bloody day. I am looking at my fanfiction. I have a great outline of the key scenes I want that lead to the climax of my story and the uniting of the subplots. However, the idea is not a fleshed out scene. Sometimes those fleshing out moments are BLOODY HARD TO WRITE! Like now. I have stared at my monitor for an hour trying to figure out how I was to just approch this scene. I love my story, but times like this make me want to rip out my hair. And I wonder just how many authors actually go through this. They come out with wonderful finished products. Do they have moments like this where they know what has to happen or be said but for hours cannot manage to get what is in thier head typed out in any form of coherency. **HEADDESK**
*sigh*
And I never got that nap I wanted today. I was up writing till like 5am. I crawled into bed for the alarm to go off at 6am and then again at 7am. I gave up sleep at 9am. I tried to go for a nap at 2pm, but got a phone call just as I fell asleep. I still do not remember who called or why. Tried for that nap again. Just as I was starting to drift, the phone rang again. The elementary school wanted me teaching tomorrow. I had to turn my back on $160 *CRY* because I have class in the afternoon and a presentation. They then asked me to work Thursday morning. NO PROBLEM! So I have a job that morning! Yay! Problem is... it is grade 6... the horror class my mom had. Gods help me. I then tried that nao again. I was chilly and turned up the heat and buried myself in the covers. I was happily asleep for not even 5 min when there was a knock at the door. Neighbor needed to know something computer technical that I unfortunately could not answer. I must have looked like hell. I was still in jammies with serious bed-head, bleary eyes, no glasses and feeling all overheated from turning the heat up and burying myself in the blankies. My face was probably all read and blotchy from being overheated in my sleep. How EMBARRASSING! I dragged myself back to bed to try yet again. I was just drifting off. The phone rang...AGAIN! It was M-SB. *sigh* Why did I even bother?
So I washed dishes, ran the stupid fucking dryer AGAIN as it is just nit drying the clothes... and watched a movie while looking up stuff for my paper proposal and presentation. After dinner, I had enough ideas whirling about my brain to write the proposal. It is done. I am back to staring at the fanfic in frustration... hence I am here writing practically a novel of jibberish into my blog.
For those who do care. I have now 132 pages (including fan art form folks drawing for my fiction story) and 76,171 words written... all since October 23rd. I am proud of the work. It is the most I have wriiten and feel good because it is going to be the first actual novel that I will finish. For those that care... it will eventually be edited and put into a nice bound version. I will even be so bold as to send it to the creators and producers of the cartoon and request permission to publish. That is a scary thing. But the folks reading it are serious and seriously recommend I try. They are so excited about my story that they make me excited and it keeps me writing it.
On another writing front... my damnable proposal is essentially written. I just need to do the bibliography. Then I need to prepare notes for so I can do a presentation on it TOMORROW! EEEK! Then I just have to write the paper. So no, if you have a party or movie or event or whatever and it happens before (new date by teacher) December 8th, please do not expect me there. I will be busy paper reading/researching/writing.
I am taking a break from the Taoism paper thing now, as I have been working on it all bloody day. I am looking at my fanfiction. I have a great outline of the key scenes I want that lead to the climax of my story and the uniting of the subplots. However, the idea is not a fleshed out scene. Sometimes those fleshing out moments are BLOODY HARD TO WRITE! Like now. I have stared at my monitor for an hour trying to figure out how I was to just approch this scene. I love my story, but times like this make me want to rip out my hair. And I wonder just how many authors actually go through this. They come out with wonderful finished products. Do they have moments like this where they know what has to happen or be said but for hours cannot manage to get what is in thier head typed out in any form of coherency. **HEADDESK**
*sigh*
And I never got that nap I wanted today. I was up writing till like 5am. I crawled into bed for the alarm to go off at 6am and then again at 7am. I gave up sleep at 9am. I tried to go for a nap at 2pm, but got a phone call just as I fell asleep. I still do not remember who called or why. Tried for that nap again. Just as I was starting to drift, the phone rang again. The elementary school wanted me teaching tomorrow. I had to turn my back on $160 *CRY* because I have class in the afternoon and a presentation. They then asked me to work Thursday morning. NO PROBLEM! So I have a job that morning! Yay! Problem is... it is grade 6... the horror class my mom had. Gods help me. I then tried that nao again. I was chilly and turned up the heat and buried myself in the covers. I was happily asleep for not even 5 min when there was a knock at the door. Neighbor needed to know something computer technical that I unfortunately could not answer. I must have looked like hell. I was still in jammies with serious bed-head, bleary eyes, no glasses and feeling all overheated from turning the heat up and burying myself in the blankies. My face was probably all read and blotchy from being overheated in my sleep. How EMBARRASSING! I dragged myself back to bed to try yet again. I was just drifting off. The phone rang...AGAIN! It was M-SB. *sigh* Why did I even bother?
So I washed dishes, ran the stupid fucking dryer AGAIN as it is just nit drying the clothes... and watched a movie while looking up stuff for my paper proposal and presentation. After dinner, I had enough ideas whirling about my brain to write the proposal. It is done. I am back to staring at the fanfic in frustration... hence I am here writing practically a novel of jibberish into my blog.
Saturday, November 11, 2006
Writing Update
I now have 108 pages and ... 64,749 words.
Geez.
The story is titled.
Never Forget Who You Are...
An Avatar the Last Airbender Fan Fiction
And yes, I have been convinced to try to do something seriously along the lines of publication if it is at all possible.
Now to shift gear a bit. I need to research for my termpaper. But then return to the fiction... as I have several concepts and ideas of scenes that need to be written before I forget them or lose the dynamic adrenalin rush that this story calls in me.
If you have been following my fanfic... thanks! I love your feedback, it helps oh so much!
http://avaportal.proboards54.com/index.cgi?board=fiction&action=display&thread=1161662386&page=1
Geez.
The story is titled.
Never Forget Who You Are...
An Avatar the Last Airbender Fan Fiction
And yes, I have been convinced to try to do something seriously along the lines of publication if it is at all possible.
Now to shift gear a bit. I need to research for my termpaper. But then return to the fiction... as I have several concepts and ideas of scenes that need to be written before I forget them or lose the dynamic adrenalin rush that this story calls in me.
If you have been following my fanfic... thanks! I love your feedback, it helps oh so much!
http://avaportal.proboards54.com/index.cgi?board=fiction&action=display&thread=1161662386&page=1
Friday, November 10, 2006
tired but happy
Wednesday was work.
Yesterday was day off! YAY! I spent a good deal of it writing my fanfic. At 2pm, I finally got to go tp the gym. I had to have an appointment because I had to learn how to use the new machines. I loved it. Even though I had no friends to chat with. Now I ache a bit, but it is good aching. I wrote more fanfic when I came home. Dashed off for a volunteers meeting for the MPRC and home again to write even more fanfic.
So... here is what I have done so far:
Started October 23rd at 11:59pm (the first post says so!)
To date I have written the equivalent of 105 pages (includes though 3-5 fan art from other people) and 62,750 words.
I should have joined NANO! Oh well.
I have gotten such great feedback that they have been begging me to try to publish it, or at least send it to the creators of Avatar and Nickelodeon Productions. *BLUSH* We will see.
I am off to work. I will write more fanfic tonight. I have a good plotline and smaller plotlines and some of them now need to come together. BYE!
Yesterday was day off! YAY! I spent a good deal of it writing my fanfic. At 2pm, I finally got to go tp the gym. I had to have an appointment because I had to learn how to use the new machines. I loved it. Even though I had no friends to chat with. Now I ache a bit, but it is good aching. I wrote more fanfic when I came home. Dashed off for a volunteers meeting for the MPRC and home again to write even more fanfic.
So... here is what I have done so far:
Started October 23rd at 11:59pm (the first post says so!)
To date I have written the equivalent of 105 pages (includes though 3-5 fan art from other people) and 62,750 words.
I should have joined NANO! Oh well.
I have gotten such great feedback that they have been begging me to try to publish it, or at least send it to the creators of Avatar and Nickelodeon Productions. *BLUSH* We will see.
I am off to work. I will write more fanfic tonight. I have a good plotline and smaller plotlines and some of them now need to come together. BYE!
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
round one
SURVIVED!!!
I did my presentation on my article review. I think it went well. And we ran out of time in class so I didn't have to try to present the non-existent proposal. That will be for next week though. And we all got an extention on our paper's till December 4th.
THANK GODS!!!
I did my presentation on my article review. I think it went well. And we ran out of time in class so I didn't have to try to present the non-existent proposal. That will be for next week though. And we all got an extention on our paper's till December 4th.
THANK GODS!!!
plodding along...
Finances are tight... but at least I am not starving. Most of the bills are covered. Rent is handled and we have food. And so do the cats... not that they beleive us. (MAOWW... i see a hole in the food to the bottom of the bowl... it must be EMPTY! put more in! MAAOOW!) Anyways. We are doing well.
And now that I have some energy drinks, I have a little boost.
I have also had a good couple nights sleep which helped immeasurably!
I finally plowed through the article I have to review and present today. I am writing up my review now. Then I have to return to my paper proposal thingy. I want another 15-48 hrs between now and 4pm. That is all I need. I despair that I will not be done by the time I need to be in class.
A PhD student told me that this freaking out stress is "normal" for masters and PhD students, but the end rewards are worth all the stress. I keep trying to remember that. Especially when I get moments like I had yesterday. Yesterday I had the moment where I wanted to quit everything from school to work to coven to ... well... everything! Yesterday was not a good day. I had even canceled my meeting with my teacher and would not have left the house except the store needed cat food from the vet. Don't worry folks. I am not going to quit everything. Just sometimes (more often then not) I just feel like I cannot deal anymore.
I took some time last night to write my fanfic some more and just have fun. That helped too.
Now back to the homework.
So folks know... I do NOT exist for anything in November. Don't ask me out and about. Don't invite me to parties. My life narrows to the paper I have to write. Talk to me after November 28th.
And now that I have some energy drinks, I have a little boost.
I have also had a good couple nights sleep which helped immeasurably!
I finally plowed through the article I have to review and present today. I am writing up my review now. Then I have to return to my paper proposal thingy. I want another 15-48 hrs between now and 4pm. That is all I need. I despair that I will not be done by the time I need to be in class.
A PhD student told me that this freaking out stress is "normal" for masters and PhD students, but the end rewards are worth all the stress. I keep trying to remember that. Especially when I get moments like I had yesterday. Yesterday I had the moment where I wanted to quit everything from school to work to coven to ... well... everything! Yesterday was not a good day. I had even canceled my meeting with my teacher and would not have left the house except the store needed cat food from the vet. Don't worry folks. I am not going to quit everything. Just sometimes (more often then not) I just feel like I cannot deal anymore.
I took some time last night to write my fanfic some more and just have fun. That helped too.
Now back to the homework.
So folks know... I do NOT exist for anything in November. Don't ask me out and about. Don't invite me to parties. My life narrows to the paper I have to write. Talk to me after November 28th.
Monday, November 06, 2006
Samhain Divination
My divinations from Samhain have been kinda ... DUH!!! And yet not helpful.They tell me what I already know but not help me with that next step.... the step that is what to do next!? *sigh*
October 31: Zen Card Draw: SUFFERING
The cause of suffering is craving. Desire nothing that you do not have, and suffering will follow, Realize this and peace will be yours. Suffering will disappear and contentment will reign.
In meditation I had another word stand out strongly. SACRIFICE.
October 31: Tarot Card Draw: FOUR OF SWORDS
This is the card of REST. It is a warning card. The knight is dead to the world, asleep, or deep in meditation. One blade lies beside him, and three are waiting to drop.
Something painful is hanging over your head and you need to take a break. A heavy workload, chronic misunderstanding, or some kind of subtle verbal abuse has worn you down. You need to cut loose, and cut yourself off from the source of your stress. Common sense says: get a little R&R. If you ignore it, your body (in its infinite wisdom) will force you to rest in a sick bed.
When was the last time you took a vacation?
When is the last time you took a vacation by yourself?
Is your health a high priority?
DUH....... What stresses me? EVERYTHING!! Mostly work and school because one interferes with the other and vice versa. And CMS because I am so bogged down that I feel like I have dropped the ball there and neglected my duties. School stresses me most. The pressure is unbelievably high. And I never got that needed break before starting or the vacation in the beginning of October to recharge before the hard part of school hit. I can't cut myself from work or school. *hangs head*
Nov. 5: Samhain Ritual Divination.
Before me was the black candle of the past, always their to haunt me and remind me of what I have not yet done, warning me to take steps or face the forced downtime that the gods can create. To my left was the red candle of the present and of life. It kept burning me. Then the white candle of the future was to my right, just out of reach.
I drew three runes from the cauldron. And while I did so a fourth shone in my mind. The three runes were JERA, HEGEL, KEN and the fourth was NYD (or NEITH).
JERA: Focus on your health, Come back to home and family and spirituality, Make some gentle changes in your life, Harvest the rewards you have earned.
HEGEL: There are disruptive physical events in your life, You are facing a struggle of the spirit, You need to overcome your obstacles, It is time to banish or sacrifice things from your life, Blessings will come.
KEN: WRITE WRITE WRITE! Do something fun and creative, Books and records are your guide, Find an opening and an outlet, Sacrifice your stressors and create your own opening.
NYD/NEITH: Material/Emotional/Spiritual NEED, Seek freedom, Find liberation, Turn a bad situation into a good one, Turn away enemies.
Anyone care to help interpret all this?
October 31: Zen Card Draw: SUFFERING
The cause of suffering is craving. Desire nothing that you do not have, and suffering will follow, Realize this and peace will be yours. Suffering will disappear and contentment will reign.
In meditation I had another word stand out strongly. SACRIFICE.
October 31: Tarot Card Draw: FOUR OF SWORDS
This is the card of REST. It is a warning card. The knight is dead to the world, asleep, or deep in meditation. One blade lies beside him, and three are waiting to drop.
Something painful is hanging over your head and you need to take a break. A heavy workload, chronic misunderstanding, or some kind of subtle verbal abuse has worn you down. You need to cut loose, and cut yourself off from the source of your stress. Common sense says: get a little R&R. If you ignore it, your body (in its infinite wisdom) will force you to rest in a sick bed.
When was the last time you took a vacation?
When is the last time you took a vacation by yourself?
Is your health a high priority?
DUH....... What stresses me? EVERYTHING!! Mostly work and school because one interferes with the other and vice versa. And CMS because I am so bogged down that I feel like I have dropped the ball there and neglected my duties. School stresses me most. The pressure is unbelievably high. And I never got that needed break before starting or the vacation in the beginning of October to recharge before the hard part of school hit. I can't cut myself from work or school. *hangs head*
Nov. 5: Samhain Ritual Divination.
Before me was the black candle of the past, always their to haunt me and remind me of what I have not yet done, warning me to take steps or face the forced downtime that the gods can create. To my left was the red candle of the present and of life. It kept burning me. Then the white candle of the future was to my right, just out of reach.
I drew three runes from the cauldron. And while I did so a fourth shone in my mind. The three runes were JERA, HEGEL, KEN and the fourth was NYD (or NEITH).
JERA: Focus on your health, Come back to home and family and spirituality, Make some gentle changes in your life, Harvest the rewards you have earned.
HEGEL: There are disruptive physical events in your life, You are facing a struggle of the spirit, You need to overcome your obstacles, It is time to banish or sacrifice things from your life, Blessings will come.
KEN: WRITE WRITE WRITE! Do something fun and creative, Books and records are your guide, Find an opening and an outlet, Sacrifice your stressors and create your own opening.
NYD/NEITH: Material/Emotional/Spiritual NEED, Seek freedom, Find liberation, Turn a bad situation into a good one, Turn away enemies.
Anyone care to help interpret all this?
Hibernation Burnout
I know... I haven't posted for a bit. I have just been feeling very down and overwhelmed and defeated by school. I cannot seem to focus. All I want to do is run away and hide. I have been escaping into my fanfic for most of the weekend. I just want to hibernate and not come out till spring.
This must be some sort of burnout where nothing excites you and everything, even the littlest thing, feels overwhelming.
Sometimes, people need like REALLY need to know what they are doing right in order to feel some kind of connection to it and to want to continue doing it. And right now... I dfon't feel like I can do anything right in school.
This must be some sort of burnout where nothing excites you and everything, even the littlest thing, feels overwhelming.
Sometimes, people need like REALLY need to know what they are doing right in order to feel some kind of connection to it and to want to continue doing it. And right now... I dfon't feel like I can do anything right in school.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
PHOTOS!
Thanks to Autumn, I have some pictures of the pumpkins we carves and set up for Halloween. We had a ton of kids. They all came just after supper. It was amazing.
