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Thursday, December 31, 2009

Blue Moon --- New Year 

Today has been a rollercoaster from yesterday. Though it looks like the ride is finally winding down. Things are being sorted out and will be by hopefully Tuesday. I am working magic tonight for a different and better year.

The last time i worked Blue Moon magic... it was to end a relationship, get rid of an ex from my life and walk away from a life i knew for 7 years.

This time, I am working the exact opposite. I want to bring a relationship closer, inspire more involvement, and begin new things that will grow in this life.

I wish everyone a very happy and safe New Calendar Year.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

*upset* 

All year I have prayed for one of two paths to open up by 2010. One just wasn't happening... just wasn't and nothing I could do was going to fix it and make it happen, so when the offer finally came this months to have the other path... i rearranged things to make it possible to devote myself to it... if for no other reason than to give me something to hold onto since the first path was out of reach. The second just fell through.

I have no words for how horrible I feel. How horrible my family made me feel... like I have and am wasting my life, almost 40 with nothing to show for it, no final degree, no "real" job and no "family"... no reason to be as poor as I am without dependent children.

I kinda feel inside out. I have to vent it here a bit... Please... do NOT comment. Just... don't.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Still At It... 

So the holidays and gifts have begun in a way. I'm still working though.

So far gift-wise, I have lots of gift certificates. I smell new books in my future! This is a slim slim Yuletide season for gift, both from me and to me. And yet, some of the gifts I am getting are more than significant! Mom cleared my car debt with her. And the hubby is helping me get back into school. Both are very significant;y large chunks of $$$. I am super grateful for them both.

We are still at the painting of the kitchen. The forever painting!!! ARGH!!! And it needs to be done along with accents before the in-laws show up for dinner on the 24th... in 2 days! The light grey looks great! It is a slightly warm grey, so there is no dreariness to it as I feared. And when the sun hits it during the day... wow! The dark grey makes the counter tops look rather beautiful, wheras I hated them totally before. The brushed chrome knobs and now new hinges on them are stunning! OMG so very very stunning! We have yet to paint the beach sand gold color on the upper cabinets. The hope is to have first coats of that done tonight. Tomorrow we are going out to buy accents... like curtains. That will be new. It will feel like a real home. I have never had kitchen curtains in all my life.

We also need to get the rest of the dinner preparations... including more plates that actually match what we have... and oh novelty of novelties... a set of matching glasses too.

The only thing we won't have that I really REALLY wish we did have is a sofa that is not completely falling apart like the one we currently have. I am embarrassed to let the in-laws sit on it! That however is really not in the currently thin budget.

Well back to painting... cuz... we are still at it...

Sunday, December 13, 2009

The things I do... 

Or need to make art.

So... I can spill the project secret since the hubby is in Detroit. Last week, his sister (a professional interior designer) came over and helped select colors that obliterated the hideous bits of blue in the kitchen counters. My birthday present to my hubby is renovating the Kitchen by having the painting done.

I bit off way more than I could chew.

Yet I am so very proud. I need more basic supplies like that green edging tape and a wider version of it and more rollies. Yesterday i worked on painting two wall bits with a light grey till about 2:00AM while Tsuki kept trying to peel off my green tape by the little peel off tabs i made for my own ease. I worried lots about painting it. I am such a conservative painter than putting up colors or shades that are not the norm make me panic. Now in the daylight though, it looks amazing! I want to try to get another little wall bit done before I go off a Yule party.

The hubby comes home this evening while I am at the party.

I wanted to have the WHOLE kitchen done, including the darker grey to-be lower cupboards and the tan/gold to-be upper cupboards. It will have to be a project through the week.

Anyways, now that the two bits of wall are done: the wall facing my livingroom and the wall with the entrance to the kitchen. And now that the shelf is back in place and the bottle collection pruned and put into place on top of the shelf. The stupid gaping hole behind it where some dork thought a second door to the kitchen would be a great idea. DORK!

Now I need art. I need art that is 18 x 36 inches. I need it in yellows and oranges and red. I have searched through so much DeviantArt. They don't seem to have anything that size. If there is an artist out there willing to paint something cool for my kitchen for a reasonable price... I would love to support an artist.

Failing that. Omer Deserres has a stretched canvas the size I need for $20. I could paint my own art. It has just been so very long since I have painted anything, I am afraid I might have forgotten HOW or it might look like CRAP.

That hole is so fracking annoying. OH! I could take a new piece of that funky wallpaper stuff I made a laminate our of and make a new laminate of the size I need. OOOoooOOoooo. Or... OR... I could use a fabric I like and stretch it over a piece of wood and frame it. Hmmm... Things to consider.

This project has been item four on the what Scarlet does when she cannot control her life. What are these?

ITEM 1 - cut my hair short (did that in the beginning of the summer)
ITEM 2 - purge things from the house (too much is shared items. Need the hubby before i trash stuff)
ITEM 3 - rearrange the furniture (the house is arranged in a way where that isn't really possible)
ITEM 4 - renovate a room (this is where I am at)
ITEM 5 - drive off somewhere for a week (no car... can't do)

At least what I am doing will look nice, provide some change, and give me some sense of accomplishment where i feel I am failing everywhere else.

I hope he likes it.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Very Emotionally Out of Sorts 

I am trying very hard to be... normal and manage things. But I am not doing well.
I have been struggling through feeling like an emotional wreck for MONTHS.
I reached my limit last weekend.

If I drop the ball on some responsibilities. I'm sorry.
If i lose my temper or take something unnecessarily too hard. I'm sorry.
If you ask me about something and I Snap "I DON'T FUCKING KNOW!" I'm sorry.
If you ask me to do something, I'll say i'll try. But I'm sorry if i just don't manage it.

I don't know how to deal with this. I can't explain it here.
I am just trying to live normally knowing things are not ok.

Please... give me a break.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Wasted time 

So... i wasted a ton of time today. I got up and traveled to school to interview a teacher. He never showed. ALAS! So there was no point to go home (an hour on transit) only to need to come back shortly after (another hour on transit) to be back for work. Had i known this would be a wasted day, I would have stayed home to work on my house project. might have even been able to complete one section. ARGH...

I did get to the Old Port to pick up some Yule Gifts.

Now I am sitting at work. Actually, have decided to open the MPRC and volunteer for the day till I start work. Good thing. Someone came in to visit, look at books and ask lots of questions. I really enjoyed being a volunteer today. I am itching to PURGE the MPRC, but I want the approval of folks before i toss tons of what I consider crap.

Anyways, I am killing time by writing some excerpts for the online RP'ing I am doing. I'd work on my fanfic or my novel if I had thought to bring them or make them available online for me to do so. *sigh*

The MPRC is FREEZING!!! The draft is bad from the back and the emrgency exit. I think I will temporarily hook up my heater to offset the chill.

My hubby is in Detroit now. I got a text message that he landed safely there and that he loves me. I hope he has a great time with his friends.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Thursday is Monday? 

So today felt like a Monday! I slept through my Monday so exhausted from an amazing Yule Fair.

Tuesday was ... work... and no sleep due to bad alarm clock mix up. I slept like a log very very early. Yesterday was also work but as you might know... it seriously SNOWED! That meant that the store was quiet and we did much catch up on stuff and cleaning. When I got home I enjoyed some time on my Wii Fit. I had neglected it for a while because I was too tired, frustrated, self-conscious, self-loathing, among a million other random negative emotions. Last night i figured... what the hell. In the end, I felt much better for it even if i felt like a bloated beached whale.

Today... feels like a Monday. I was up early. I did some tidying. I went shopping. I did some personal fun writing. I planned. I worked on my RA stuff. Ok, the last part isn't Monday like... but the rest has been taken at an easy pace with my whims and some yummy tea.

The hubby leaves for a birthday party to surprise a friend of his in Detroit for the weekend. I have much weekend plans. I wish my budget were a SMIDGEN bigger. Just a tad! ALAS! There will be half surprises by Monday instead of full ones. The rest will have to come later.

Tonight... I plan to tackle more Wii fit, make supper and just write. It will be very Monday like.

Oooo... I know! I will decorate for Yule! Laters!

Sunday, December 06, 2009

Yule Fair weekend 

It was a blast... truly amazing. Exhausting but went very very well.

And to Hobbes... that was the most beautiful Yule Ritual I have ever seen.

Thursday, December 03, 2009

Devoured 

What has so devoured my time these past couple weeks? A trilogy. Written is a refreshingly different style than anything I have read, yet holding to my interests in fantasy and the darker sides of some realities.

The first book with a darker character to suck me started with Poison Study, by Maria Snyder.

This new trilogy is by Brent Weeks: The Wat of Shadows; Shadow's Edge, Beyond the Shadows.

Look them up... enjoy!