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Monday, January 31, 2011

editing 

For a short 600 some odd words, there sure are a lot of edits to do before publication.
I sometimes wish I had not written it.
Moments like this are demoralizing and make me think how much I might actually suck at writing.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Migraine from Hell 

I think my poor sleep lately has been me trying to fight something off. I have woken sniffly and headachy for days. I am just stubborn and don't wish to be ill. Today's migraine is blinding so I am skipping class. I'll take some excedrin and hope it eases. Maybe I will make it to class.

If not, I have to drag my ass in to meet folks for Gaia Gathering.

Off to OD on vitamin C...

I'll try to get more paper written through the ill.

Monday, January 24, 2011

The Paper 

Sex, gender and Taoism. The damned paper is now past the hardest part and is at 2600 words. progress I suppose. It needs a reread. I think it sucks. But I have class tomorrow and about 200 pages of a text in translation to read. So, I set aside the paper and look to the reading.

How many things can I juggle? How many times can I shift my hats and manage?

Having this weekend alone helped greatly with the paper. I need more devoted time to finish it. What can I sacrifice to achieve this and can I afford to do so?

I need this paper off my plate of responsibilities by the end of the damnable month! AND the fricking exam.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

ugh... 

My arse is sore from sitting so long today reading about gender relations in accordance to Yin and Yang in early Chinese Taoism. I am glad to have been spoiled by delicious fish dinner, fine white wine, and cream puff dessert. In the background of reading, Netflix has been playing the new Robin Hood TV series season 3.

Now I stare at the paper pondering how to write the next paragraph. Now I have the choice of keeping this role i am on, or setting it aside to try to get some reading done for the class.

I think I will make that decision tomorrow. Off to enjoy the new bedroom set up and snuggle with the hubby!

Change and No-Change 

We have made changes today. The hubby came home around noon. I have set up the living room ready for paper writing. He mounted things on the bedroom walls for me. One day, we will have the rest of the bedroom furniture. Usually, when I focus on making changes in the house, I work with the living room / common room or the kitchen. This is the first time I have worked on the bedroom. We are missing a tall Malm bureau in birch and the matching bedside tables with drawers. We are also missing a plant to bring a sense of live in the room. I am debating between a fake one or a real one. I do not like the energy or implication of a fake one. yet, a living one will only become a snack bar for certain cats in our home. Zellers downtown had some nice big plants for only $12, that is worth testing the snack bar theory. Maybe I will be lucky?

At the same time, no changes have happened. I try hard... so very hard to hide my heart's sadness. No place for art. No headway in school. I feel so far behind in both. No ... child. I don't even know if it is possible. I try not to think about it too much. It is easier to throw myself into school, lessons, research, teaching and to not think about the things i cannot change.

Grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

All I want to do is worship, write, draw, paint, teach, and raise a child. Why can I not let go?


Lord and Lady, please
grant me the strength and courage
the endurance and determination
the creativity and inspiration
to complete what I have begun...

A Poet's Whisper 

thump thump
thump thump
thump thump tac tac thump thump

in the thunder of the heart
the breath is but a silent whisper

thump thump
thump thump
thump thump tac tac thump thump

the storm's cacophony
shrouds the gentle rhythm

thump thump
thump thump
thump thump tac tac thump thump

the noise of the world
smothers the poet within

thump thump
thump thump
thump thump tac tac thump thump

like the rush of breaking water
the paint screams upon the paper

thump thump
thump thump
thump thump tac tac thump thump

finding again the hushes and peace
of line and word in creative expression

thump thump
thump thump
thump thump tac tac thump thump

in the thunder of the heart
the breath is but a silent whisper

thump thump
thump thump
thump thump tac tac thump thump

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Bright Morning 

I went to bed WAY too late (or rather early... 3 am) but I slept amazingly in the new bedroom arrangement. I am only a little sore for the rotten mattress. Today is full of household cleaning and rearranging and setting up for paper writing and homework.

Before I head off to teach, This is the plan:
- plow through more laundry
- wii fit routine
- shower
- the mountains of dishes
- breakfast
- mounting the stuff on the bedroom wall

Then I head out and pick up lunch on the way to class. The class ends at 3pm. I will then wander over to Bureau En Gros to inspect the printer I am somewhat coveting... and might come home with since mine if being finicky and not talking to my laptop where I do everything these days. Then I will pick up some groceries on the way home, if my arms are not full of printer. If i have a printer, then I will have to go straight home and then back out for groceries.

The evening plans:
- clean and organize the kitchen
- clean and organize the living room
- set up the living room for writing my paper and doing homework (yes, taking over the comfy places)
- print the homework book i need to read for Tuesday's class
- shoot off a fanfic chapter
- get down to business with my overdue paper

Wish me luck at getting it all done today!! the paper writing, i don't expect to get far in, but will be really ready for doing it all day tomorrow and Monday. Have a lovely, if bitterly cold, bright morning everyone!

Home Alone - 1 

So the hubby is away for the weekend and i am desperately trying to feel like i belong in my own home. This has been the problem since we moved. We moved the weekend before I started school and lost my cat at the same time. I spent the first semester working and looking for a cat. Never did i get to settle in. It has impacted how I think and feel. One should not hate their home or feel like it is not theirs.

So, while the hubby has been away, I have tackled things i wish would have just gotten done in the first place. Cleaned the bathroom, sorted my clothes, did laundry. Then focused on the bedroom. We can't afford the second bureau I want, so I moved the old tall one into the place I want the new one and did some rearranging, lots actually. And planned out where to put up pictures and corner shelves. I dug out the giant fan I got from Karyn as a gift and plan to put it on the wall for contrast. The wall behind the bed is so VERY bare. I am changing that in the morning.

Next project... the living room and set it up so I can dive into paper writing like I used to.

Between work bits, I watch movies with the new Netflix. Watched Origin (an anime with an incredible soundtrack), Born into Brothels (documentary about children of prostitutes in Calcutta and a woman photographer who taught them photography), and The Lover (French girl and Chinese lover in Saigon).

lots to do...

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Homework Frustrations 

So i have had lousy sleep and zero homework focus. I have been unable to destress enough to think clearly.

What I tried this week was to spend a day at a different environment, my mom's. There was some success and much failure. The failure was that I could not get homework done with the distractions. The success, was that I got to destress and do some art. My mind was buzzing in the car ride home with ideas for what to write for my paper that is overdue, but they were lost by the time I got home. ALAS!

Cats were crazy all night and so I got no sleep and thus was migrainy all day today. I emailed my teacher to let him know I was unwell. There was no way I was going to sit in class not having done the readings and enduring a migraine. I did however have an idea for the paper i want to write for this class: Taoist Ordination. I included that in my email and exchanged advice.

Then I relaxed, did laundry, planned supper, printed coven stuff... I managed to get through the writer's block with one of my fanfics. Ideas for my Taoist sex paper are re-peculating. I wish I have the whole week off to catch this wave of ideas and do/finish stuff.

The hubby is away this weekend so I will have the house to myself! That is kinda exciting. I will try to make GOOD use of that time to pace through my paper and talk to myself out loud with my paper ideas.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Early Start 

So I have been up since 6am. I was just... awake. That is what happens, i guess, when i actually get 5 solid hours of sleep. I slept funny and thus the shoulder is hurting again.

The intention was to feed cats, work out with wii fit, get chili started, start gluten-free bread, print off practice line art for coloring for tomorrow's play date with mom, and clean house before folks arrive for the day.

What has actually happened?

Fed the cats (like they would let me sleep in HAH!). Chili is in the crock pot now, bubbling away. Printed off the line art. Printed stuff for folks today. Did laundry and dishes.

Homework so far this weekend? ZERO... sigh...
Hopefully tomorrow I will get the class readings done and maybe some of the overdue term paper.

Yule Round Seven 

This has been a really great Yule! Tonight was no less amazing. Two friends came over whom we have done Yule with for several years now. The hubby made turkey dinner and we had great company. Fun includes all of us playing Rock Band and after dinner playing Settlers of Catan.

Here are the gifts i thank them both for:
- Friga iced cider in a PRETTY bottle. I love pretty bottles and I love iced cider.
- home made pepper/peach relish and an apple spice chutney
- a bath bomb for fun
- and the most amazing t-shirt from Tee Fury... a Serenity one! WEEHEE!!

Thanks for a great night!

Monday, January 10, 2011

Lost Monday 

Poor sleep resulted in sleeping intermittently all day and getting nothing done.
I feel a mix of guilt for it. I should have done homework, wii fit, and cleaning.

Now...
I am staring at my paper feeling totally blank.
I am read a little of my homework for tomorrow.
My two fanfics have incomplete chapters that I can't seemed to get through.

Maybe next Saturday mom can host me for a homework day.
That way the household needs cannot distract me.
And maybe, if she is not mortified by reading about sex and Taoism, she can read my paper and give me pointers. Also, I can do art when I need a mental break.

Saturday, January 08, 2011

Paperless Day 

Amazing how much housework can get done when you are avoiding the paper.

I was woken by crazy cats every 2-3 hours, so sleep? what sleep?

Loud banging yelling neighbors upstairs and downstairs ensured I did not sleep in. Hubby left for some poker tournament for the day and night. I hope he has great fun.

I have been doing laundry all day. I did my wii fit basic routine, but not the extended routine. Why? Because i have been doing laundry, which means MANY trips up and down the stairs. That's exercise too! I did edit the paper that has been written thus far, but added nothing new to it. Instead, i focused on the house that has been ruining my focus with all that has NOT been done. I thoroughly cleaned the bedroom, including under the bed. I dusted it and worked out where the prints will get mounted, but i need the hubby to mount them. I made arrangements with my parents to take a trip to Ikea to get a frame for the new big print.

Thoroughly cleaning the bathroom was next. I even put up a new shower curtain. Yes, I remembered to have breakfast and lunch today. Apple sauce, tea, scrambled eggs with cheese, grilled cheese, sweet potato, apple turnover. I worked a bit on some photography I did and set up some prints to sell online through Deviant Art. Then I arranged to go on a date with my mom to the art store. I still have a $100 gift certificate I haven't used.

The majority of the day was spent extracting emails for a database list for the Gaia Gathering call for papers. Then I emailed every relevant educational institution with this call, province by province. It took HOURS to do all this. I have concluded that my shoulder pain is the mousing and the wrong height for my laptop on my computer desk. Cause now I HURT!!! I started cleaning the kitchen, but must wait for the first load of dishes to be done before I can clean more.

Now I am wiped. I still have more laundry and kitchen cleaning. But i am done sitting at this desk. Going to go watch a movie or play a video game or SOMETHING FUN.

Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Back to School 

The early rise at 6am - ish was too rough after a bed time of 3am. So at 8am after hubby woke and cats were fed, I went back to bed. The plan was to be up and working on overdue stuff, have a wii fit morning workout, emailing mania, and reviewing the overdue paper. Then I would run errands and go to the new class.

What happened was I was dead to the world till 1pm, dragged myself kicking and growling from bed to leave the house at 2pm. Attempted to run my first errand, but the city hall was closed. CLOSED!? again... I will try that again Friday. Then attempted to run the errand of picking up books for class at the school bookstore. The line-ups were INSANELY long. So gave up on that. Good thing though, because once in class with the teacher's umpteenth revision on the readings, i would have had the wrong books. SIGH!

Class was great and exciting. I am much enthused! Funny since he usually stresses me. Maybe I am now used to him and know how to manage him and his stresses? The interesting subject matter helps. I went with some students from the class afterward and we bought the correct books.

I have been a mental mush since I got home. So I watched a movie (The Tourist) and wrote some easier fanfic. That pesky fight scene got written and posted. I want to get the next installment of that fic (Assassins Creed) out by the weekend. The Harry Potter fic is the easy one now as it it is in the growth stages. Tying up the loose ends as one comes to a close of a story is harder than I thought, especially with fans reading and begging it not to end. All stories come to an end. Then begin again. Guess when I end it, I will have to write a sequel. But been too mush-brained to even really write much.

Probably because I got ZERO vacation. I keep telling myself that I need a country house just to get away for a weekend a month. I wonder what the cost of a B&B somewhere might be. Maybe I can do that? But then I need a car. ARGH! Maybe there is a local-ish B&B that I can pretend is in some foreign land where I go to work on paper and writing projects. Do I deserve a weekend away for that?

Monday, January 03, 2011

Monday Me day 

I lazed in bed till like 2pm. It was great. I diligently ignored life for daydreaming for a little while.

Been out of bed now for a couple hours. I downloaded Samurai 7 since I want to watch it again. I perused my tweets to find news from Concordia's bookstore. Someone busily tweeted that it is insanely busy. I will wait for a bit then. They have 2 of the 5 books I need for my new Taoism class. Two others already belong to me and one is out of print. I have it on order with Amazon.com.

There is something in the energy drinks that make me feel ... normal. Well normal for me. Normal meaning that I am alert, excited and happy about things I need to do and not demoralized and depressed and dragging. Must be the energy. I should buy stock in the company. Actually, I should buy a case of drinks. Must pay some other stuff first. I will drink the ones I have for now.

On today's agenda, meditation, wii fit for 30min (yes, getting back into it), write that damned fight scene now that I have a youtube vid of the fight to use for reference, make that database of emails I need for tomorrow, and dig back into my paper.

Have a great Monday and start of January!

Sunday, January 02, 2011

2010 - Lessons Learned 

*inspired by Roo!*

New years Resolution: Finish what I started.

I am still trying to wrap my brain around 2010. It was (still is til February 3rd) the year of the tiger. And it was like hanging onto a tiger's tail. Fast furious, dangerous, whipped about, confusing, stressful, uncertain. Always playing catch-up with claws about to strike me. It was also about learning to take charge and be assertive. Drawing the line and knowing where to stand. Also, figuring out when and where to let go. So, what have I learned?

If you don't ask, you will never receive. If you don't speak up, know one will ever know.
At the beginning of the year, I wanted to get back to school. I struggled hard to try to figure out how all by myself. But I am not all by myself. I am married and have to learn that we share many things. But sometimes I have to ask for them. He can't read my mind and know what I want, when I want it, or if I am stuck and unable to do something unless I speak up. In light of this: Trust your partner. They are friend, support, comfort.

I can't do everything, and so sometimes I will fall.
I am still struggling with this one. I want to do everything. I try to honor all my commitments. Sometimes the commitments get thrust on me all at once and I try hard to juggle them. The hard part is when I fall. I forget that I am only human and that people know this even if I forget. When I fall, I feel like I have failed everyone. Falling is a sign of being overburdened and that we must sometimes fall to learn our limits, to learn how to pick ourselves up or ask for help. All hard lessons that I am being faced with repeatedly this year. Biggest: it is ok to fall, we are human after all.

You will never succeed if you just give up.
There is a student out there I have to thank for that lesson. Often, very often, I have wanted to just throw away my studies and give up. Even now. This is the hardest thing I have ever done, not give up.

Let go.
There are some things I have clung to so very hard that worrying about them has ruined much of who I am and who I have wanted to be. Letting go is not giving up, it is releasing your hold and maybe coming back to it later when the timing is better. Children. That is where I have had to let go. I want children. So bad it hurts. But wanting it so badly has hurt many aspects of my life and stalled my ability to function in some areas. By letting this go for now, I have been better able to focus on the present responsibilities.

Accept the praise graciously and take your joys where you can. What are you doing if you are not happy?
I tried several new things from playing some video games to writing fanfiction in genres I never written before. All fun and interesting and have giving me an outlet and source of creativity. The positive feedback has helped nourish my soul that was withering thinking I could do nothing right nor well. We all need to do something fun for ourselves. And we all need to simply say... thank you.

Take time for you.
It took me the better part of 30 years to learn that Mondays were my best ME days. Now I hold them sacrosanct. I do what I want on those days, whether it is cleaning, homework, or just lazing about or having fun. We all need a day or two to recoup and regenerate.

Just because someone doesn't understand you, does not mean they do not love you.
This has been a hard year of losses and changes. Some friends do not understand. Sometimes the husband didn't understand. It was hard to go through some of the things I went through while not being understood. It felt like I was not loved. But that is not true. They loved me very much, and though they did not understand, they were and are still there for me.

What have you learned in 2010?

Messed Up 

So, I did a stupid thing. I knew... I know... I should never do this. I skipped a meal. Not intentionally. It kinda just happened. I had a late late lunch, then just... got occupied. then it was midnight and I was getting ready for bed. Then I was... occupied. I woke hurting in the shoulder again/still and feeling very messed up and out of sorts. Brunch helped, but it was a light brunch, so it didn't really help enough. Managed to make it mostly through coven before the fuzzy confused feeling hit. That is when I realized I had missed the previous dinner and messed myself up. By the end of a small grocery-run, I must not have been coherent or focused or anything. I remember zero from the time at the cash to when the hubby put a plate with a pizza pocket in front of me while I stared at the blank screen of my laptop. Thank gods he is so good at keeping track of me. I hate winding up in the hospital trying to explain why I passed out. Worse, I really hate when they stick me with the damned IV. Those things fucking hurt.

Anyways... I messed up. I am messed up. But it is getting better. the food in my belly has helped a great deal. thank you hubby.

We watched a movie: King Fu Panda. It was great fun! Hubby is still excited about Tron. I think we'll have to see it a third time in the theater.

The shoulder still aches. Going on 3 weeks now. I took Excedrin and it did absolutely nothing to help. Tomorrow I will get some super duper extra strength Tylenol or something, or take 2 Excedrin. And yes, I will see a doctor. It is hard to do that over the holidays when everyone is away. Normally, I would let this go as there is usually nothing to do for a pulled shoulder except not use it. But it is hurting up my neck and down my spine between the shoulder blades. So, maybe this is more than a pulled shoulder. It isn't a dislocation. I know what THAT feels like. But DAMN! Or maybe it is a part dislocation... because sometimes my fingers or my arm goes numb from the pinching of some nerve.

Pain is a huge hindrance to focus.

I have written nothing in either of my two fanfics and have definitely done zip for my paper. I can't sit to read without stabbing blinding pain. Working has been hell, though I pretend very well that I am ok. Always smile and serve customers with compassion. They do not need to know you hurt because they are there expecting that you will help stop their hurting spirits.

Ya... calling doctor tomorrow for appointment.

Now to relook at the mess I am in. I have a course paper of 4500 words due last December 21st. I need it done by January 7th. I have a data-basing project due on the 4th. I have a Pagan exam book to have read... asap, ideally by the 9th. I also need to arrange for interviews for my thesis and rework the first section of that paper, ideally by the 15th.

And somewhere in all of this, I need to miraculously find $1200 for overdue school fees.

**headdesk**